I started my Digital Marketing business in 2014 with the vision to excel, grow the business and keep moving to greater heights in my career as a businesswoman. Year after year, my business did indeed grow, and pivoted a few times. But when the pandemic hit in 2020, everything changed.
Running a business, while juggling between a work-from-home husband, a toddler who had just started kindergarten, and a newborn was overwhelming, to say the least. Two weeks of the MCO became four weeks, then six, then whatever the government ruled. As things on the home front grew more intense, with the four of us in each other’s faces 24/7, my clients weren’t relenting either. By the time the first MCO eased up, I was absolutely burnt out. I knew something had to give.
With the invisible gravity of it all pulling me under, I felt a strong prompting each day to give up my business, and focus on taking care of my family. Finally, in September 2020, amid a rising new Covid wave and imminent lockdown, I made the difficult decision to give up my career baby, after much deliberation and calculation with my husband to make things work financially. Yet, I found peace in my choice, and actually looked forward to the time I’d be able to spend with my children.
My journey as a full-time Stay-At-Home-Mum (“SAHM”)
I was initially grateful for the chance to be a full-time SAHM; to rest, put my feet up and not have client demands weighing on my shoulders. While the latter was true, I was definitely not putting my feet up! The demands of the day (and of the people living under the same roof) were never-ending.
I found myself constantly drowning in the thoughts of “Will we have enough?” “Am I spending too much on myself?” or “Was giving up the business the right thing to do?”. At the same time, I also missed the creative outlet I had, and the adrenaline rush of closing deals for my company.
Losing my identity, gaining a new one
I soon found myself caught up in a whirlwind of identity loss, low self-esteem, and not taking care of myself, which finally spiralled into depression, eight months later. I will not sugarcoat the idea of being a full time SAHM, especially during the lockdown. It’s been the hardest journey I’ve had to take in discovering a new identity in motherhood, during this season of being everything to my littles, while setting aside my own personal goals and dreams. On top of that, I’ve had to learn how to embrace imperfection and mess, not having it all at the same time, and realising that self-care isn’t selfish, but necessary for me to be a better wife and mother.
After the lockdown eased up in October 2021, and things started to reopen, I had more space and mental capacity to breathe. I sought help from a counsellor, who helped me frame what I was going through and plan small steps to get myself out of depression.
Putting my business background to good use
Now that I wasn’t running a business, I realised I had the time and energy to pursue other things, besides the whole motherhood gig. I think I had forgotten that I too am still a girl with hobbies, likes, hopes and dreams. In becoming a full-time caregiver, I had let go of all the things that make me, well…me.
No experience in life goes to waste, however. Even without running a business, there were still a lot of nuggets I brought from managing a business to running a household, which have a lot of similarities between them. These were some of the pivotal practices I put into place:
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Doing things the S-M-A-R-T way
I started making a list of everything I loved doing, all the things I’ve always wanted to do, and the habits I wanted to pick up again. I applied the SMART way to look at all of this (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound), which was one of the first things I learnt in business. What I did wasn’t a huge chart or graph that had my whole life’s plan ahead. It was listing down two to three attainable goals, and one thing that snowballed to another, and then another.
The first thing I had to do was address was the anxiety I had, and how I could reduce the frequency of the attacks that happened. I slowly found my triggers, and worked on those. One of these was the big C: Clutter. Thus, I started my decluttering journey of all the material items we didn’t use, or need, at that point. Eventually, I found not only more space at home, but even mental and emotional space. I felt freer; liberated from the chains of material possessions and inventory that cluttered my mind.
With this newfound space in all these arenas, I intentionally chose what I wanted to fill in. I picked up reading again on a daily basis, even if it was just five minutes a day, or one page. I dug into a lot of self-help and parenting books that helped me see my self-worth in being a full-time SAHM, and the importance of this unseen role in society. Over time, the joy of being a SAHM became a big part of who I am, and I beam with pride when people ask what I do.
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Getting physical
My next goal was to work on my physical being. I knew I wasn’t in a good state physically, so I forced myself to sweat it out as much as possible doing the things I enjoyed – badminton, cycling, swimming, and hiking in nature. I felt good after every game or round, and it felt good to push my body to its limits. We started camping as a family, and that was therapeutic in more ways than one.
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Overlooking the mess to see the bigger picture
It’s learning to breathe through the strewn toys on the floor – seeing that my children are happy, with toys to play with, and seizing this as a teaching point for them to learn responsibility of keeping their toys back. It’s seeing the growth in all the mess. How to contain the mess goes back to my method of decluttering, and keeping only what I feel beneficial for my children during playtime. Not all toys have the same weight in teaching children.
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Realising that sometimes, time is not money
If some things can be afforded, it might be worth paying for. An example for me would be doing the laundry. I’ve found new life in not keeping up with the laundry when the baskets get overloaded, and I’m simply overwhelmed. What we do instead is to bundle everything up at the end of the week, and take it to the self-service launderette to wash and dry instantly. Yes, it may cost money – but the time saved is priceless. We do this on busy weeks, or after going away on a trip.
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Contrary to popular belief, not everything is business
Just because dollars and cents aren’t on the table when it comes to being a full time SAHM, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do my part in depositing in other people’s lives in other ways. When I was struggling, I learned that help is really just a text or phone call away, and that I should never be too proud or shy to ask when I really need it. People rallied around to provide meals, take care of my children for a couple of hours to give me a break, which were small steps in recovering.
I truly believe that we can continue to enrich each other’s lives by showing up for one another, cheering another mama on, giving the gift of time to another fellow SAHM for her to unwind or get things done, or even cooking one meal for the family during the week. A little kindness, thought and trust goes a long way.
Some other principles that have resonated with me include the following:
- Saying “no” isn’t personal. And no reason needs to be given to anyone outside the family.
- Choose your battles.
- Know that no matter what happens today – the good, the bad, or the ugly – tomorrow is a new day.
- If it won’t matter in six months, don’t sweat it. Don’t take everything too seriously.
- Keep your eyes on the bigger picture. Always.
- Unlearn. Relearn.
- Get into the habit of not doing things for money’s sake. There’s more than money at stake when you’re doing the things you do, because you love doing it.
Give yourselves grace
Right now, I can whole-heartedly say that I love being a full time SAHM, in spite of the struggles and trials faced to get here. All of this certainly did not happen overnight however. If anything, change is one of the hardest things to embrace, and pivoting into the unknown is scary. Start small, even if it’s just one thing for five minutes a day to get the ball rolling.
Leaving the corporate world to become a full time SAHM is a huge transition, and not an easy one at that. Give yourself the grace to make mistakes, grow with your children as their mother, and also as your own self. Remember that we’re never alone in this (it takes a village to raise a child, after all!) – so don’t feel the pressure to need to do it all by yourself.
By Celine Chew
Celine is currently a full-time stay-at-home mother of two, Zoe (5) and Quentin (3), with another one brewing in the pot. In between juggling school runs, meal prep, boo-boo kissing, and storytelling, she enjoys a good cup of coffee with a book or a friend, trying out new foods, sports, traveling and writing.
