Have you ever heard of the term “intergenerational trauma“? There’s no doubt that unhealthy or dysfunctional ways of relating to children happens in every generation across cultures. In the Asian context, it can look like:
- shutting down or not talking about difficult feelings like anger, sadness or fear;
- expecting children to behave perfectly so that parents “save face” in front of others;
- disciplining in ways that are shaming and punitive;
- forcing children to finish their food even when they’re full;
- placing academic results and learning in the highest regard (and neglecting what children are actually interested in); or
- expecting children to follow all of their parents’ wishes, in the name of filial piety
The list goes on, and you might even have a list yourself. These patterns get passed down from generation to generation – until someone decides to break these unhealthy generational cycles.
Cycle-breaking takes work, and if you’re the only one doing it in your family, it’s hard work. But it can heal us from the past and free the generations that come after us to become their truest and healthiest selves.
If you’ve been wanting to do the work of breaking unhealthy generational cycles, here are some ways to start the process.
What you can do for yourself
1. Accept that there are wounds and hurts that have developed from your childhood
As aptly noted by author, Iris Chen in her book, Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent: “Ignoring our childhood wounds simply allows them to infect the rest of our lives…In order to thoroughly clean out our wounds, we have to be willing to open them up and face the ugliness and the messiness.”
It might be hard for many of us to admit that some of the pain we’re carrying has something to do with our parents or caregivers. We often wonder: how can we be so ungrateful as to blame them, when they’ve sacrificed so much for us?
But ignoring this pain will only leave us stuck in unhealthy cycles, until we’re able to acknowledge what happened to us. The intention is not to blame our parents for what they did (or didn’t) do, but rather, to acknowledge our own stories.
2. Take responsibility over your own healing
While we acknowledge that some wounds may be linked to our parents, we are not victims of what happened to us. We have the ability to become whole again. Part of this involves releasing forgiveness to our parents, and not holding them responsible anymore for the hurt they’ve caused.
For the longest time, I was holding on to the notion that I couldn’t achieve some things in my life due to my upbringing. Then gradually, I realised that my wholeness is my responsibility, and I didn’t have to wait for my parents to see that they were wrong. It was then that I started to see breakthroughs in certain areas of my life. In the words of neuroscientist, Dr Caroline Leaf: “Trauma isn’t our fault, but healing is our responsibility”.
If there is a need, seeking help from professional therapists can help guide you on this journey of healing. Do remember that you have the power to stop the negative cycle from being passed down by doing the work.
3. Be aware of triggers
We’ve all received conditioning messages during our upbringing. Because of these, we might find ourselves triggered by certain actions of our children. If you were brought up to believe that children who misbehave in public haven’t been taught right and are a disgrace to the family, you might be especially agitated when your child doesn’t listen to you when other people are around. If your parents never allowed you to waste any food at the dinner table, you might be very upset when your child doesn’t finish the food on their plates. Or, if you were caned for crying when you were younger, naturally, it would feel wrong when your child cries, or throws a tantrum.
What can help is to notice when you start to feel yourself getting upset at your kids. Be curious about the messages you have believed no longer serve you and your family. After you have become aware of your trigger points, it’ll be easier to replace those messages with ones that help your connection with your children.
Messages such as “My family doesn’t lack food. It’s ok for my child to stop eating when they’re full. Food that’s not finished can be put in the fridge for the next meal” or “Crying is a healthy form of emotional expression for my child. It’s ok to cry” can be helpful reminders of the values you hold important for your family now, and stop those messages that don’t serve your family from being passed down.
What you can do for your children
1. Practice accepting all feelings
Accepting feelings isn’t something that many Asians are comfortable in doing. Often, feelings tend to be suppressed, or ignored. But in order for children to know that they are loved no matter what, they need to know that all their feelings are accepted – even the ones that are difficult, uncomfortable or downright unreasonable. How you can do this is by creating a safe space for your children to let out their fears, sadness and anger without fixing, ridiculing or judging.
2. Encourage autonomy
This means giving back control to your child in the areas that were intended for them in the first place. When you honour your child’s autonomy, you give them back their voice, their agency, and their sense of self. In our collectivist society, it’s often smiled upon when children follow what others are doing, and “stay in their lanes”. But every child is unique and sometimes, they don’t fit into the current mold that society deems acceptable.
When it comes to learning, encouraging autonomy can look like allowing your child to follow their interests, even if it’s not directly linked to academic success. It can also look like allowing them to be in charge of how long they want to engage in the learning, maybe just for a season or longer. It’s when we allow children to take charge of their interests that true learning happens instead of them studying just to pass an exam.
In the area of bodily autonomy, it’s important that children from a young age know that they are in charge of their bodies. So it’s alright that they don’t feel comfortable hugging that aunty during Chinese New Year, or don’t want to salam that pak cik yet when they go over to his house. When we don’t force children to give affection, they learn that their no’s have weight, and can be asserted when they feel uncomfortable.
3. Model what you want to see in your child
Ultimately, you can only pass on what you have to your children. If you want your children to express their feelings in a healthy manner, you’ll have to express your feelings in ways that don’t hurt others. If you want your children to be kind, are you treating your children kindly? If you want your children to have healthy eating habits, do you eat healthily? Remember: more is caught, than what is taught.
Cycle-breaking is no easy task, but perfection is not the goal here. We all falter sometimes, but keep trying, and stay strong. Cheering you on as you break those cycles, #makchicmumtribe!
By Carmen Chan
Carmen Chan is the Co-Founder and a Parent Educator at Raised with Wonder. Having worked with children for over a decade, she is passionate about bringing her experiences to help parents break unhealthy generational cycles in their parenting in the Asian context. She believes all children deserve to be seen as unique individuals deserving of respect, regardless of their age, and that seeing them this way will raise a generation who know their worth.
