A few months ago, we went on a family holiday to Penang. I was so excited, because I had spent lots of time there as a child. One of my most treasured memories was collecting seashells on the beach with my dad, and I looked forward to doing this with my own daughter.
On a cool and breezy day, we packed up all our beach gear, and headed off to the beach. At first, my daughter was thrilled to find different shells, happily adding them to her little plastic bucket. But then suddenly, like a switch had gone off in her head, she went from happily picking seashells into an epic meltdown – because she couldn’t pick up all the seashells on the beach!
As I waddled off the sand, toddler in one hand and beach paraphernalia in the other, I was filled with anger and disappointment at my child for not conforming to my idyllic expectations.
The dreams we have
We all harbour dreams of what our child will be like, and what life with children will look like. Perhaps we endow them with traits we value dearly, like being athletic or loving to read. Or maybe we imagine them having similar temperaments to us, like being gregarious or conversely, quiet and introverted.
We realise very quickly that children come into the world as whole and unique individuals, with personality quirks, temperaments and interests that are all their own. If we spend too much time expecting our child to be different, or trying to mold our child into the one that we wish we had, heartache and frustration await for both of us. That day on the beach taught me that loving the child in front of us right now helps us to show up for them when they need us the most.
What we can do
Here are three ideas for accepting and loving the child we have:
1. Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel
Often, when we find ourselves thinking a negative thought about our child or our family situation, we are quick to dismiss it. We immediately jump to guilt or shame because we think: “I shouldn’t feel this way”, “What’s wrong with me?” or “How could I be so ungrateful?”. But actually, it’s crucial to acknowledge our innermost thoughts and feelings, in order to process them and move towards reflection.
Let’s normalise the fact that we’re allowed to feel disappointed, angry, sad or frustrated when our children don’t behave the way we expect. After a hard day, when it’s felt like an uphill battle with your mulish toddler or surly tween, acknowledge that parenting this particular child on this particular day is hard. Remind yourself that you’re not a bad parent for feeling this way – and that you’re only human.
2. Reflect on your expectations and experience
If we want to develop a deep and meaningful relationship with the child we have in front of us, we need to embark on the journey of getting to know the child we used to be. Our childhood experiences have a lasting impact on the way we view the world, and our expectations of family and parenthood. Often, the parts of our children that trigger us are actually the parts of ourselves that were shut down or rejected.
Maybe we were told off for being too loud, too quiet, too strong-willed or too timid. We might have internalised these messages, and thought that children needed to act in a certain way in order to be ‘good’.
In a calm moment of solitude, try this exercise. First, think about the part of your child that provokes strong feelings in you. It could be something like your child being very cautious in new situations, or having very forceful reactions without seeming to care about how it affects others. Then, think about how this behaviour or trait would have been reacted to when you were a child. What childhood memories do you have of this type of behaviour?
Next, think about what your feelings about your child are actually telling you about yourself. Take a breath and tell yourself: “The part of my child that triggers me is actually teaching me about myself. What can I learn today?”
Our ongoing willingness to reflect and develop greater self-understanding can literally rewire our brain circuitry, and is crucial to connecting us more securely with our child.
3. See your child as they truly are
If we want to have an authentic relationship with our child, we need to be able to see them as they truly are. This sounds absurdly simple, but is profoundly hard to do. We all carry preconceived ideas and expectations about the people around us, including and especially our children. One way to practice this is to commit to pausing for a few moments every day, and observing our child quietly, and without judgment.
Magda Gerber, the well-known founder of RIE®, calls this a time of ‘sensitive observation’. This is a time where the parent is simply present with the child who is absorbed in their own activity, with no agenda or expectations. You can treat this as a practice in mindfulness, consciously letting go of all other thoughts outside of the present moment. Observe your child with your full attention, noticing the nuances of what they are doing, how they behave and react, what interests and drives them. Being with your child in this way allows you get to know the person unfolding in front of your eyes.
We have the privilege of getting to know the amazing human beings in front of us. Like any relationship, we’re learning who our child is, and building a bond with them. They, like us, are constantly growing and changing, so it’s an exciting lifelong journey of honouring our children for all their intrinsic quirks and through all the different stages of growth.
Then, like the words of that wonderful Fred Rogers song, our children will know that “…it’s you I like. The way you are right now, the way deep down deep inside you, not the things that hide you…it’s you I like”.
By Justina Chen
Justina is mum to a joyful 4-year-old and co-founder of Raised with Wonder, a parent education service for parents who want to raise secure, resilient and joyful children. During her coveted me-time, she likes to run, read non-fiction and attempt to crochet.
