You may have heard this term bandied about: “tween”. What is a tween? This charming specimen is a child between the ages of nine and 12, sitting in the “in-between” stage, bridging childhood and adolescence. It can be a poignant stage where the sweet, trusting child who cleaved to you for the longest time establishes himself or herself more and more as an individual.
I have the front-row privilege of parenting a tween at home now. It is a bittersweet experience for me, watching my little firstborn spread his wings, and not need me the same way as before.
Expect Change
The change is gradual; the most obvious signs are the physical changes (hello manly voice and zits! No wonder my spot creams are emptying out faster). They also start being more conscious of their physical appearance. Your tween will seem to have a bottomless pit and the fussy, picky eater who once took an hour to finish meals, now eats at an hourly rate (and finishes off your meals too).
The kid who once survived on fresh air and very little sleep is now sleeping like a new-born. After a 12-hour stretch, I actually went in to check that my tween was still alive. They want their own time and space – give it to them and don’t take it personally when they no longer want to follow you everywhere. Yes, long showers and me-time will be back!
Tips to Enjoy the Journey (or Make it Less Bumpy!)
1. Communicate
Talk to your emerging tween (and their siblings) about what to expect – physical, hormonal, emotional and cognitive changes. It is important to involve siblings as well. I found that by doing so, it helped everyone manage their expectations and preserve the sibling relationship.
It can be hard on younger siblings when their elder tween brother or sister, who were their regular playmates, start wanting their own privacy or alone time, or want to spend more time with their friends (peer relationship takes on a larger role at this age). At the same time, communicate your expectations and boundaries, while being understanding of hormonal and cognitive changes in your tween.
2. Empower
Your tween will be more independent and have their own opinions – capitalise on this by engaging them in discussions relating to their choices. It boosts your child’s self-esteem when you empower them to make choices and listen to their opinions.
This also allows you to remain connected to their everyday lives, and what interests them. It is hard letting go and allowing them to make certain decisions (within boundaries, of course), but if they know you listen to them, they are more likely to come to you as a sounding board. Our various discussions now include screen-time negotiations (urgh – necessary evil!), extra-curricular activities, subject choices and peer relationships.
3. Allow for Mistakes and Emotions
Allow your children to make mistakes and wrong decisions, without being judgemental. At this age, it is good practice on how to pick themselves up, while the stakes are still low. I have had to bite my tongue many times when my tween decided to buy or do something that I didn’t think was ideal (spending his allowance on buying games?).
Despite differences in opinion, I’m glad we have a close relationship, so he usually discusses with me and his dad first. When your tween has emotionally charged moments, remember they are still children, despite them sounding and looking more grown-up. Taking a breather, walking away and waiting for the storm to pass before continuing helps. I frequently SOS the husband because a male perspective works wonders for us!
4. Repair & Reconnect
The one thing that works really well for us is whatever happens, whatever has been said or done in the thick of the moment, we always repair and reconnect. Parents are human, and we don’t have a manual, much as I wish for one! There is no shame in apologising and repairing the relationship with your child (I am guilty of over-reacting and not listening sometimes). It is modelling to them that we unlearn and relearn, and are willing to come back and hold space for one another and try again. I am always, always thankful that my tween shows me so much grace and forgiveness because we need a lot of that to navigate these changing years together.
This is of course not an exhaustive list – we continue to stay connected and relevant in our tween’s life. Healthy sleep, eating habits and exercise remain important. Changes will come, but if we accept and embrace it as another phase of life, and provide a constant presence and support to them, it makes for a closer and more pleasant parent-child relationship.
This will stand you in good stead going forward into the teen years. Expect bumps in the road – but a good seatbelt and some snacks definitely help!
By Ng Wei Lin
Wei Lin has been in the equities market for more than two decades, trying to juggle money (by day) and sense (by evening). She is a mum of two lovable boys who has expanded her heart and heart rate by equal measures. Passionate about parenthood and all things child-related, she can be found at @colours.of.play where she shares about motherhood, life and finding the magic in child’s play.
