Attachment Parenting: Clingy…or Confident?

Prior to becoming a mum, I only understood “attachment” as referring to those bunch of files sitting in the Inbox of your email account. That perception changed, however, during our maiden trip to scout for potential preschools for our eldest son, Jamie.

While my husband and I were busy talking to the principal, Jamie started wandering off on his own to explore the school grounds. I was quite surprised, as this was a completely new environment to him. The principal, upon noticing his behaviour, remarked that Jamie had developed a secure attachment to us, and it was this that enabled him to confidently venture out into unknown territory.

This entirely different meaning to “attachment” was intriguing. Up until then, Jamie had minimal interactions with outsiders, and spent most of his days at home. Naturally, I thought he would not easily adapt to new experiences, like transitioning to preschool. Attachment theory, however, claims otherwise.

A springboard for confidence

Based on the findings of English psychiatrist, John Bowlby and Canadian developmental psychologist, Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory says that children who have healthy relationships with caregivers (be it their parents or anyone else who are their guardians) will develop good self-esteem. Consequently, this helps them gain independence and ensures better outcomes in their future relationships and adult life.

Seeking to nurture children with such a healthy social and emotional outlook, American paediatrician, William Sears and his wife, Martha, who is a registered nurse, devised a philosophy for raising children known as attachment parenting.

This approach to parenting is child-centred, and emphasises responding instinctively to the emotional needs of your child. It is supposed to be doing what should come naturally to you as a parent.

The 7 Baby B’s

You can get a better grasp of this parenting style by examining the 7 Baby B’s:

1. Birth bonding: Skin-to-skin contact immediately after a baby’s birth and rooming in with baby post-delivery is encouraged.
2. Breastfeeding: Seen as a source of good nutrition, and recommended to foster closeness with child. Also used as a platform for learning to read baby’s behaviour, in order to determine appropriate parental responses.
3. Babywearing: Keeping your baby close through the use of a carrier is believed to nurture a smarter and calmer baby.
4. Bedding close to baby: The practice of co-sleeping, where parent and child sleep in close proximity, is preferred.
5. Belief in the language of baby’s cries: Babies cry in order to communicate with us. Therefore, parents not prohibit crying, but instead, respond appropriately to each episode.
6. Beware of baby trainers: Parents are urged to trust their own instincts and ignore advice that prioritises convenience at the expense of understanding their baby.
7. Balance and boundaries: A healthy marriage and self-care habits should remain a priority while carrying out parental responsibilities.

The Childhood C’s

Once raised on the Baby B’s, children (and their parents) are expected to enjoy the Childhood C’s:

1. Caring: Empathy becomes second-nature for a child that had been well cared for.
2. Compassionate: Parents who responded positively to their children shape them into individuals who are sensitive toward the needs of others.
3. Connected: A close relationship with parents teaches a child how to form deep and meaningful relationships with others.
4. Careful: A child becomes less impulsive, due to emotional stability and a realistic view of their own capabilities.
5. Confident kids: This occurs as the child realises that parents/caregivers can be trusted to look after them.
6. Confident parents: Parents begin recognising their own strengths once they focus on meeting the unique needs of their children, instead of blindly conforming to societal norms.

Seeking a starting point

Although these attachment parenting principles are undoubtedly ideals worth striving for, it isn’t always possible nor practical for us to achieve everything on that list. In fact, Dr Sears himself stated that they are not meant to be a rigid set of rules to be blindly followed. Instead, they should be a starting point for developing our very own parenting practices. He encourages us to discover what works best for our families.

I definitely did not achieve everything in the above list.

My personal experience with attachment parenting

Despite preparing a birth plan that prioritised bonding, we never actually got to do this for Jamie. This was because I ended up having to undergo an emergency C-section. However, we breastfed him once it was permitted, and requested for him to be with me in the hospital room as often as possible, so I could be aware of his feeding and sleeping cues.

For bedtime, we all shared a room with Jamie, but kept his sleeping space separate from ours. We would usually place him back into his cot after nursing to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). But this was really tiring, and there were times when I would just fall asleep nursing him in my arms, though I knew this wasn’t recommended.

I would habitually pick Jamie up to soothe him whenever he cried, but I didn’t always respond promptly, as I frequently faced challenges at home, juggling chores and my freelance writing work. Despite these shortcomings, Jamie still exuded a healthy dose of self-confidence that very first time we were checking out preschools. I didn’t even know what “attachment” was back then, so it’s amazing to me that he even turned out that way.

Embracing the essence

If you’re clueless about child psychology in the same way that I was, take heart. We don’t always need a whole lot of knowledge in order to raise our kids well. Rather, trusting our parental instincts and giving it all our best shot suffices.

We already have everything we need to be great parents. That’s the essence of attachment parenting, after all.

By Susanna Khoo

Susanna Khoo cherishes the diversity in motherhood that she sees all around her and hopes to encourage other mums to be their best unique selves through her writing. Formerly a tech journalist, she decided to become a home-based freelance writer once her kids arrived on the scene. She seeks solace in coffee, music, books and crafts like crochet and sewing as she treads the fine line between chaos and calm daily.