The new year always brings a fresh wave of earnest resolve and a commitment to improvement. Since becoming a mum, I’ve started the last few New Years with a fresh resolve to ‘be a better parent’. I don’t think I’m alone in being caught up in the pursuit of perfection when it comes to parenting. The overwhelming love that we feel for our children can so easily get mixed up with fear that they aren’t thriving, and guilt over our perceived inadequacies. Add to that social media constantly showing us the highlight reel of other families who seemingly have it all together.
Ironically, seeking perfection in parenting actually results in parenting less effectively. Holding ourselves to impossibly high standards makes parenting less enjoyable and more stressful. When faced with the inevitable challenges of raising children, mothers with lower confidence and more stress give up quicker. Worse, trying to be a perfect parent places a heavy burden on our children too. They need to be perfect too in order to validate our efforts.
So this year, I’m doing something a little different. Instead of committing to be a better parent, I’m realising that one of the most important things for me to do this year is to say goodbye to the myth of the perfect parent. If this feels like something you need to do too, read on for five ways to bust the myth of perfection and get comfortable with being good enough.
1. Stop the scroll
I am often trying to meet the standards of an imaginary perfect mum, who I’ve named Alison. Alison cooks every meal from scratch using only organic produce, homeschools her 2 adorable children with homemade Montessori materials and never turns on the T.V. She keeps the house perfectly tidy, while also running a successful digital business. She never loses her temper and always has a gentle smile on her face. I have to keep reminding myself that Alison is simply not real. She’s an amalgamation of countless picture-perfect moments on Instagram and all the parenting articles I’ve ever read.
If the content you’re consuming is causing you to go down a shame spiral, get intentional about what you view. Unfollow your neighbour’s best friend if it’s making you feel bad about not dressing your kids in organic cotton and setting up a beautiful playroom. Have a plan to set aside your devices for stretches of time so that you’re not on a constant scroll. Taking back control over the input you’re allowing into your life is the first step to busting the myth of perfection.
2. Get a reality check
I’ve realised that the times when I have been most down on myself are the times when I am not grounded in reality. In hard moments, I talk to myself in a way that I never would to a close friend like “You’re not cut out to be a mother” or “This is all your fault”. To top it off, I keep my fears and anxieties to myself instead of reaching out, because I’m held back by guilt and shame. All of this has the effect of detaching me from reality, so I’m constantly rehashing negative self-talk and creating unrealistic expectations for myself.
That’s why it’s so important to have a support system that keeps you grounded and reminds you that you are doing enough. For me, this is a small group of mum-friends who had children around the same time as me. They’re a safe place for me to get vulnerable and who will share their vulnerabilities in turn. Their authentic stories and empathy let me know I’m not alone and remind me that I am doing enough.
3. Get back in touch with your intuition
We are blessed and cursed with so much more information than our own parents had about how to raise children. What ends up happening is that we keep reading the latest parenting bestsellers, or try to follow all the hottest mummy blogs – only to end up with an information overload. We become convinced that we can’t possibly be doing things right, because every new article or book we read gives us more information about something we hadn’t been doing before.
This year, I’m getting back in touch with my intuition. We all have it. That quiet voice inside of us that knows what we stand for, understands the deep need for connection and that is calm and confident in the face of challenging moments. That’s not to say that I’ll stop learning. I believe it is such a privilege to be able to access so much wisdom about parenting and child development. But I will try to stop second guessing myself about decisions that feel right for me and my family.
4. Remember that you and your child are separate
It’s so easy to treat our child’s behaviour as a barometer of our parenting success. When my daughter is rude to me or has a public tantrum, my first instinct is to blame myself. I think, “I must be doing something wrong for her to be behaving this way”.
The reality is that our children are not mere extensions of us. They are whole individuals with their own spirits and interests. They come into the world with their own temperament and personality. We don’t know exactly how nurture and nature balance each other out. But we can remind ourselves that our child is a human being, and certain things are simply part of their biological programming that have nothing to do with us.
5. Learn to let go
In a Q&A, Nora Roberts, the prolific romance author, came up with the analogy of glass and plastic balls to describe how she juggles work and family life. She explained that “the key …is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic and some are made of glass…if you drop a plastic ball, it bounces, no harm done. If you drop a glass ball, it shatters, so you have to know which balls are glass and which are plastic and prioritize catching the glass ones.”
In order to be happier and more content, I will have to let go of the idea that I can control every aspect of my family’s life. Instead, I need to understand which are the glass balls – like one-on-one time with my husband, staying calm when my child needs me, or meeting an urgent deadline – and prioritise catching those, even if it means being ‘imperfect’ and dropping plastic balls here and there.
Ultimately, I want my child to learn to treat herself with kindness. Saying goodbye to parenting perfection helps me model self-kindness as she sees me embrace my flaws while I continuously learn and grow as a parent. I can’t think of a more important way to start the new year.
By Justina Chen
Justina is a mum to a joyful 4-year-old and co-founder of Raised with Wonder, a parent education service for parents who want to raise secure, resilient and joyful children. During her coveted me-time, she likes to run, read non-fiction and attempt to crochet.
