He treated her like an adult and made her feel special. Their ‘special connection’ involved her receiving gifts and treats, but what began as hugs and tickles slowly became more. She was too young to know she was being groomed, but most grown-ups probably also do not know one important fact about this scenario: what this young girl was experiencing is sexual violence.
As public understanding and laws get updated on this important topic, makchic maps out the facts and important tips for families: What must parents know about grooming and sexual violence? How will we know if our children are in danger? What do we say as parents?
Grooming and Warning Signs to Look out For
Grooming is a complex process that allows the abuser to gain access, initiate the abuse and obtain the child’s trust and compliance, and maintain the abuse through secrecy. In most cases, the abuser is a person known to them.
This process could take place in-person or online, through gaming, social media platforms, and messaging apps. It is important to recognise that this process could also involve the abuser gaining the trust of the child’s parents or the other adults in their lives. This is why parents need to understand what are the signs of sexual violence, and what this entails.
What is Sexual Violence Against Children?
According to UNICEF, sexual violence against a child refers to “any deliberate, unwanted and non-essential act of a sexual nature, either completed or attempted, that is perpetrated against a child, including for exploitative purposes, and that results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, pain or psychological suffering.”
Importantly, parents must know that this is not limited to physical abuse, such as touching of private body parts, forced masturbation, oral sex, and rape.
It may also include verbal acts, such as obscene calls or making sexual comments about a child’s body, or visual ones, such as exhibitionism (flashing), voyeurism (peeping), making a child watch sexual acts and photographing a child in a sexual nature.
It is staggering to realise that nearly 90 million children alive today have experienced and endured sexual violence. And the danger is only growing with more children entering online spaces.
Having That Important Conversation
In an interview with makchic, Adjunct Professor Dr Prem Kumar Shanmugam of Solace Asia cautioned parents who may want to resort to denial as a defence mechanism when their child is exhibiting the warning signs. “If you feel there’s something amiss, that something is not right with your child or the child’s behaviour, then you are right. Don’t doubt yourself.” he said.
Here are some prompts you could try if you would like to begin this conversation with your child:
- “I’m concerned about you. I would like to sit down and talk about it with you. Is that okay?” It is likely that the response you will hear is, “No. I need my space. You need to respect my boundaries.”
- “It’s okay. I respect your boundaries, but I’m just concerned. I just want to understand how best to help you.”
- Share your observation on changes that have caused great concerns. “I see that you’ve been avoiding dinner. You’ve been staying away from our family functions. Is there anything you want to talk about?”
If your child is not willing to share this with you, you could offer an alternative. “My job is to protect you and to help you. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me about this, let’s talk to the school counsellor.”
He further advised parents to be honest.
“Don’t beat around the bush because they will know what you are trying to say. If you give them respect, they would appreciate it.”
How You Respond to Disclosure Matters
The harmful consequences stemming from abuse depend on many different factors, such as severity of the abuse and age. However, not all children will experience adverse consequences throughout their lifetime. Parents, especially the mother, could play a protective role in avoiding the feelings of shame, stigma and betrayal.
If a child speaks to you on the abuse he or she is experiencing, it is important to remember to:
- Let the child speak freely, and listen carefully to what they are saying.
- Reassure them that you believe them and that it is not their fault.
- Acknowledge that they are brave in letting you know, and that they are doing the right thing by informing someone about their experience.
- Decide if the child may need further medical attention.
- Inform the child that you have to report their experience to someone else (i.e. duty to inform). Explain the steps you may have to take after the disclosure.
If you are a parent or a guardian, Adjunct Professor Dr Prem further advised, “Please seek professional help if you want to help your child. Unpacking the trauma can be dangerous, unless you’re trained to do it.”
Abuse is Happening in Online Spaces
With advancements and increasing complexities of the technologies outpacing protective policies, do parents have cause to be concerned? In short, the answer is yes.
Alarming reports have been raised on how new technologies, such as generative Artificial Intelligence (or AI) can cause further harm to children. Internet Watch Foundation (IWF) shared how AI technology has been used to generate child sexual abuse images, including rape. 99% of these featured girls, and most likely featured children between the ages of 7 and 13.
In 2022, UNICEF reported that at least 4% of children in Malaysia, between the ages of 12 and 17 years were subjected to “clear instances of online sexual exploitation and abuse,” including having their sexual images shared without permission and being coerced to engage in sexual activities.
The good news is that Malaysia’s Dewan Negara has approved the Sexual Offences against Children (Amendment) Bill in 2023, to better protect children by addressing new threats.
Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department (Law and Institutional Reform) Datuk Seri Azalina Othman Said shared, “One of the main gaps in the law that must be bridged and given priority is the sexual abuse of children online.”
Safeguarding Children is Our Collective Responsibility
It is important to remember that it is everyone’s duty to inform the respective authorities if a child is experiencing sexual violence. This means Malaysians cannot just roar and shake their heads about incidents they are disturbed by, they are legally bound to report them to the police.
Children are further protected from sexual abuse acts under 3 different laws in Malaysia:
- The Penal Code– covers penetrative and non-penetrative physical acts and and statutory rape for those below 16 years.
- Child Act 2001 and The Child (Amendment) Act 2016 – include the duty to inform a Social Welfare Officer by medical officers or practitioners, family members or childcare providers, if a child is “physically or emotionally injured due to being ill-treated, neglected, abandoned or exposed or is sexually abused.” Those failing to inform are liable to a maximum of 2 years imprisonment or a maximum fine of RM5,000, or both.
- Sexual Offences Against Children Act 2017 (SOAC) – covers child pornography (including accessing child pornographic materials), sexually communicating with a child and grooming. The punishment is even more severe if the perpetrator is a person in a relationship of trust. The list includes a parent, a guardian or a relative, a babysitter, a teacher or a warden, a healthcare provider, a coach, or a public servant e.g. police officer (Section 16).
We Have More Work to Do to Protect All Children from Harm
When news of the abuse of more than 400 children in homes around Malaysia broke in September, makchic’s Laych Koh shared the steps we need to take to prevent more children from being abused in institutions.
In response to makchic’s Mama Secrets sharing session on sexual harassment, we began the work on guiding parents and caregivers to start important conversations on body safety, consent and respect with the young children under their care, by publishing our very first children’s picture book, What If?.
While Adjunct Professor Dr Prem shared that everyone has to play their part in safeguarding all children, he ultimately opined that,
“It has to come from home. Parents, school teachers, advocates and community leaders- we are the ones who can make a difference. We need to educate our children. We need to be honest about it. We need to talk about it.”
*The contents of this interview have been edited for brevity and clarity.
Founder of Solace Asia, Adjunct Professor Dr Prem Kumar Shanmugam is an accredited clinical psychotherapist, counsellor and clinical supervisor, with more than 20 years of experience in the field of mental health treatment and addiction. In addition to his clinical and consulting work, Adjunct Professor Dr Prem reviews and writes articles and frequently presents at international conferences. Among his work are two handbooks for masters students on a counselling course with a UK-based university, as well as treatment manuals for Solace’s addiction treatment programme.
