A couple of weeks ago at bedtime, Aidan asked me to go through all the pictures and videos on my phone and tell him a story about each picture. It was yet another trick to put off going to sleep but I gave in because it meant spending more time with my cheeky monkey. After several rounds of “There’s Aidan smiling. There’s Aidan smiling again. There’s Aidan and Mama…” and I started to notice something strange in the videos stored on my phone. Not spooky strange but it became apparent that Aidan was demonstrating a behavioural pattern.
Whenever his dad was in a video on my phone, Aidan would ignore me, or push me away when I wanted to hug him. Or when I reached for something that he wanted to show us, he would snatch it away and give it to Daddy. And that was the pattern I noticed. It was “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” all the time, every time. When it happened I just brushed it off, but seeing a back-to-back video collection of “I only want Daddy” videos triggered alarm bells for me (not to mention feelings of rejection and jealousy).
I had a tough recovery post C-section so my husband had to do everything for Aidan; from bathing to changing to putting him to bed. I was also working full-time and sleeping only 4-5 hours a day in between breastfeeding, pumping and cooking for Aidan. So when there might have been a quick nap opportunity, my husband would take Aidan out of the house so that I could rest. In hindsight, maybe that extra half hour at the playground with Daddy or the weekend drives to get breakfast have resulted in him “preferring” Daddy.
Feeling slightly alarmed but convinced there would be easy solutions online, I googled for answers. I was really shocked to find that there were thousands of parents (mostly mothers) going through the same thing but there were no solutions. People claimed that no child psychologist has ever been able to effectively diagnose the issue and there wasn’t a clear pattern either. The scenarios of affected parents ranged from mothers who stayed at home and therefore fathers are the ones associated with fun and play; to mothers who worked and fathers who were the stay-at-home parent; to both parents working. Theories range from toddlers only wanting attention from the parent they rarely see, to them wanting the familiarity and comfort of the parent they always see, to boys preferring their dads because they recognise physical similarities and girls preferring dads due to the Oedipus complex and so on.
So last week, I had the flu and was at home for 4 days including the weekend. I noticed differences in Aidan’s behaviour when he was alone with me as opposed to when his dad was around. While I’m not claiming to have found the solution to the “Toddler Favouritism” phenomenon, here’s what we did which seems to have worked for us.
Firstly, Dad (or whoever is the “favourite”) plays a huge role in this situation. We made sure Daddy consciously included me in lots of things. For example if your toddler refuses to give you a kiss or hug, get Daddy to do it instead while saying, “Wow, we love mama very much. Kiss mama. So nice”. Make him feel included by using ‘we’ but don’t expect him to do it. Give him space and time. We used lots of simple words and short sentences so he can absorb the necessary info.
Secondly, I made sure I did more mundane activities with Aidan like bathing, feeding and changing him. Usually my husband would do all this while I sorted out all the other errands. By the fourth day, Aidan was already requesting “Mama do, Mama do, please” when it came to meals, whereas normally he would even prefer his nanny to feed him over me.
I read a piece of advice to “play like a kid”. This was harder for me to do because my husband would be able to roll down, throw him up and generally be more active, whereas I couldn’t due to the c-sec pain. But I did get down to Aidan’s eye level a lot more and built tunnels and forts out of cushions which he loved. I realised that before this I would only play “educational” games like flashcards, books and numbers but sometimes physical play is important too.
Also, Daddy needs to be more responsive. What I realised was actually Aidan would have to say something at least twice before my husband would notice or respond. This usually results in loud shouts of “Daddeeeeeeeee!”, which in turn I think became a habit because as humans, our habits become our behaviour. So I think Aidan automatically resorts to “Daddy, Daddy!” because he had to do this so many times to be heard. Mums tend to be a lot more observant, intuitive and quicker to respond so maybe kids feel that mums will “always be there” and that’s why we get taken for granted?
Lastly, in our case I think it really boils down to the amount of time spent with the child. Even though I thought I already spent lots of time with Aidan, perhaps it wasn’t enough. I used to go home during lunch to breastfeed or to just be with him but in the past few months I stopped doing so. So just spend as much quality time as you can with your kid – work and house chores can wait because they won’t stay this small forever.
Now Aidan kisses me without prompting and makes sure I’m included in anything he wants to do. We still have some way to go before we effectively overcome the issue and for now, hubby and I have decided that I need to have “alone-time” with Aidan a few times a week. If you have any tips or similar experiences, please share your stories in the comments section!
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Diyana is a sleep-deprived, full-time working mum. She is a senior account manager in Advertising who is juggling work, life and looking after her cheeky toddler. She blogs about her parenting experiences at www.wollywrites.wordpress.com.
