Unlike my first pregnancy, Aria was planned.
So the exhilaration of surprise that came with a spontaneous pregnancy was replaced with relief when Max and I found out we were expecting the second time. I quickly discovered that that wasn’t the only thing different between how I felt about my two kids.
When my first child was born, I refused to let Aidan out of my sight. I feared the nurses would drop him or he’d get switched and I wouldn’t be there to do anything about it. But when the nurses offered to take my second child, Aria, I was asleep before they even got her out of the cot.
While Aidan was never alone when he slept and was quickly patted back to sleep with even the slightest twitch, Aria would be left to nap on her own and was only picked up when she properly cried.
Coming home from work, I’d bug my mom, very much to her annoyance, for the littlest details of Aidan’s day – from how much milk he had to drink to bowel movements and how long he slept to whether he did anything different that day which he couldn’t do before. When I noticed Aria flipping from back to front, I got really excited. Then the nanny told me she’d been doing it for days.
While Aidan’s photo collection was so large it’s filed by each month of his life, my second child’s collection is lumped in “Aria’s first year” or even sometimes in “Aidan and Aria”.
And while I had kept a pregnancy diary carrying Aidan, diligently recording my moods and food preferences at week 27 on top of the doctor’s appointments and shopping lists, I decided to get a baby book for Aria’s first year to compensate not having one for her. Which I haven’t gotten yet. But I will.
Aidan had constant attention, was played with and talked to a lot as a baby. Aria spends a lot of time sitting around fiddling with soft toys.
It’s not that I don’t love Aria as much, I do. In fact, I love her so much that I feel guilty I don’t get to pay as much attention to fer as I did her brother. But having had gone through it once before, I’m just a lot more chilled about raising a baby the second time around. Also, there’s a lot less time with two, and a toddler is very demanding of adult attention.
It sounds like I’m making excuses but the defensiveness comes from a second-born’s innate desire to love all her children equally. And out of this painful self-reflection is the fear of how much more prejudicial it would get with baby number three, four and five (if ever).
Being a second child, I know from experience that birth order affects children into adulthood – whether you’re a firstborn, the middle like me, the youngest or an only child. And I wonder if we as parents, by understanding the dynamics affecting our children’s psychological development, can consciously influence these circumstances positively?
With a second, I can see how our parenting approaches shape my kids differently. Aidan craves attention, finds comfort in authoritative approval and has become confident and friendly. Aria dislikes strangers, is reserved and observant and is simply happy in her own company. Even at five months old, you can see she’s going to be the laid-back one between the two.
And while I expected to have the same kind of relationship with both my kids, I realised early on that it isn’t the case. There are some things I have with Aria that I just don’t have with Aidan. Aidan shared a lot of love with our extended family in his infancy, but since moving, Aria just has me which has led to a special bond between us. Her face breaks into the most beautiful smile when I come into her sight, she nuzzles into my chest while looking shyly at somebody else and we have lengthy conversations in happy coos and gurgles saved just for me. We have something special, this girl and I, and I hope we have that for life.
And even though Aria may not have our undivided attention growing up, she has something more. A brother.
Where we lack in providing physical attention for her, Aidan makes up for it with hugs and kisses. When I worry I’m not spending enough time mentally stimulating her, I hear her brother say, “Look, Aria! Aeroplane!” And while Aidan went for years without a peer, Aria will have a built-in social-emotional sounding board that will grow with her for life.
So I know that even though it’s different the second time around, it’s still an incredibly amazing journey. Two brings a whole new meaning to fellowship and togetherness.
And that’s something I’ll never feel guilty about.
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Khairun is a mum to two kids and owner of Recovr Resources Sdn Bhd, a growing social enterprise in the recycling and equal employment industry. She and her family are currently living in Jakarta.
