I think most mothers are unprepared for the reality of a child entering your life, but I really had no idea. Until Alex, I’d never changed a nappy or held a baby for longer than 30 seconds. My mother had never been very domestic herself, and thus never encouraged me to learn to cook. I helped clean the house when I was a teenager but did such a bad job my father used to clean up afterwards. In short, I was completely clueless about the life that lay ahead of me as a parent.
As such, I’ve had countless moments where I pause and think to myself, “Well that’s something I’d certainly do differently next time.” Below is a list in a roughly chronological order.
Don’t Keep Your Pregnancy a Secret
I don’t mean shout it out from the mountaintops to everyone in your life, but I’d reveal it sooner than the requisite three-month minimum. Why? Because it’s such a burden, that secret, and it should be a joyful thing to be shared, shouldn’t it? Also, as I’ve had a miscarriage, it was such a horrible thing to endure alone afterwards. It’s a part of life, pregnancy and miscarriage – why hide it?
Stop Breastfeeding Sooner
I nursed Alex until he was 15 months old, and I was a sleep-deprived mess by that point. Pumping didn’t work for me; I had to express by hand if I wanted to make up bottles that my husband could give. And to be honest, Alex never really liked to drink from bottles, so a full night of sleep for me or going out always raised the stress levels in our household, which meant I almost never did either of those things which I so needed. As a result, Alex’s dad wasn’t as involved that first year, and it took a while for that to adjust into the balance we have now, thanks in no small part to my husband and I switching roles.
Start Sleep Training Later
I remember feeling aghast that I’d missed the crucial window, purportedly between 6-9 weeks, to sleep train Alex. Now, looking back, I want to give myself a hug and scold that postpartum me about how ludicrous that is. We started sleep training when he was about five months, and it was not the three-day or even one-week process as advertised. Rather, it was a stop-and-start period of agony and absolutely hours of Alex crying before he was sleeping through the night, around the time I stopped nursing him (I sense a pattern here…). I would definitely surrender myself more to the lack of sleep at night and nap during the day. As mentioned above, though, the delay of sleep training may be diametrically opposed to returning to work.
Start Working Sooner
By the end of my year of maternity leave (I know, I was lucky to be able to take a year off and still get something of a salary from the government, even though it was really pocket money by the end), I was gagging for intellectual stimulation again, so much so I practically ran back to work. As hard as the nights would probably be, I think our family would have benefited from my returning to my professional pursuits and made me more appreciative of my drooly baby at home. But if I did, through choice or circumstance, stay at home for a year, I would:
Use a Babysitter More Often
Because I was the parent at home for the first year and then my husband after that, we got used to taking turns to go out with friends while the other stayed at home with Alex. We did occasionally get someone to sit outside Alex’s bedroom after we’d put him to bed when he was younger, but that was when we lived in a country where you could easily get babysitters paid by the hour. Where we’re now most parents rely on their full-time help or family. As a result, besides a handful of times when my parents took care of him, Alex has never been in the care of a stranger, and we loathe starting now. I think if we’d got more into the routine of that when he was younger we’d more comfortable doing things like leaving him with babysitters at hotels so we have some time to ourselves.
Start Potty Training Sooner
I’ve gone into more detail about this before so I won’t elaborate on our miseries with this, except to say that I’d definitely establish toilet routines before toddlerhood, when wills are illogical. I will add, though, that like all things, this too passed, no pun intended, and now we have a toilet-trained 3-year-old.
Get a Day Nurse and a Night Nurse
By this I mean someone to attend to all my baby’s needs, from bathing to feeding to soothing to playing from 8 in the morning to 8 at night, and then another helper to take over, a changing of the guard, if you will, from 8 to 8. The night nurse, naturally, wouldn’t be allowed to sleep, but sit vigilantly by the baby’s cot and attend to every cry for food or attention. I’d get a full night’s sleep and play with the child during the day when I felt like it. And get my hair blow dried regularly.
I’m joking of course, but I’ve just recited, word for word, what an acquaintance of mine, D, has arranged, as she has a very busy corporate career. Is this what people like Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer do? I’m both outraged and envious.
Go with Your Gut Feeling, Every Time
Especially in the age of Internet advice being incredible contradictory (see this for a laugh), along with my uncertainty about getting anything right, I fell victim to advice which didn’t necessarily feel right to me and made some decisions that I regret. I’d definitely be better at ignoring anything that sounded alarm bells next time.
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Uma is a Malaysian working mum with a French husband and a toddler named Alex living in their fourth country together.
Image Credit: Flickr user Emery Co Photo
