We have all seen it – the massive, unwelcoming tantrums thrown by our own adorable little child. Most of the time you did not see it coming, and as it happened your mind was confounded at how such enormous rage and emotions could come from a such a little person.
You tried to bear with it, but it kept getting worse. You asked them what they really wanted, it also gets worse. You tried everything, yet nothing seems to pacify them.
Sometimes, it ends up with you crying along, helpless and still puzzled over what to do.
I have definitely had my fair share of toddler tantrums. I suspect that the infamous terrible-twos do not actually stop at two. In fact, it could go on way after that, and I have a feeling that it could stay that way for quite some time. What could change though is the intensity and style.
My daughter, Bella is turning five this year. Although her angry outbursts are less frequent and less aggressive now, it still makes an appearance. These days, she tends to bawl her eyes out whenever she disagrees with something, or simply when she is tired or hungry.
Managing her tantrums is never an easy feat. As her style changes, my tantrum-managing styles has also evolved. That sounds like a serious skill, but trust me, this is key to survive those grueling, patience-depriving episodes. In other words, it will save your sanity.
Let me illustrate how I did it.
Type 1: The crying and the feet-stamping
This is a classic. It is most of the time a precursor to a bigger tantrum, so if you have experienced massive meltdowns you will learn to identify this phase early. If you are lucky, you’ll manage to cancel the bigger episode.
What I do: Take a deep breath, compose myself and go down to her level. Always keep eye contact. Usually, this happens when she is deprived of something. If it is a non-negotiable thing, I distract her. Take her away from the place, make silly faces, sing a song or offer something else. If it is negotiable, make a deal (works best when she already knows how to negotiate, perhaps around the age of 3 or 4 years old). For example, she will get to spend another 10 minutes if she promises to listen to me when I say it is time to go.
Type 2: The wailing, refusal to move and acting out on the floor
This is my worst nightmare. It did happen to me quite a few times in public and it was embarrassing. It was not easy, but after a few times I learned to ignore the things that do not matter.
What I do: Always start with a deep breath, relax and go down to her level. Try to distract or negotiate, although she may be too consumed with the tantrum and won’t be able to focus. I tried anyway. If I can’t take it anymore, I distance myself a little. Then, I go back to trying the same thing again. If I am in public, I try my best to carry her away to a more private place, such as in the car. Or best, I just take her home.
If we were at home and she won’t listen to me anymore, I will make sure that she is safe, and just stay away until she mellows down.
Once that happens, I step in and offer her a long, compassionate hug. I have learned that during such episodes she actually needs me to acknowledge her feelings and empathize by saying that I understand. As she settles down, I always take the chance to let her know my reasons. I keep a firm tone, but at the same time hugging and showing her a lot of love.
Type 3: The whining and sulking
I notice that this happened a lot as she grows more mature. Whining is a way for her to get my attention.
What I do: Listen and acknowledge her. If it is a no, explain why. If it is negotiable, make a deal. If she refuses to listen, walk away and come back later.
Sometimes, she just acts out without saying anything.
What I do: Make eye contact and with a firm tone, ask her to say what she wants. I tell her that I do not understand what she is trying to say, and if she really wants something, she had better speak it out. Usually, she will work towards that.
Just a little disclaimer – this could be working for my daughter but it does not necessarily work for yours. Anyway, it is always worth the try.
One day, children will outgrow tantrums. In the meantime, hang in there. Keep calm and mother-on.
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Ayuni is a mum to an effervescent 4-year-old daughter and a newborn baby. She’s currently juggling motherhood and a full-time job while trying to be the next domestic goddess. She blogs about life, parenting and her homemaking endeavours at Mommy Confessionals.
