Lai San sat down with one of her dear friends for a chat on what many would consider a sensitive topic — adoption.
When did the idea of adopting first cross your mind?
It’s something my husband and I talked about before we got married. It was a very normal way to have a family for him, because he has two adopted siblings himself. But we never really gave it serious thought when we first decided we were ready to have kids, because like most couples, we just started trying naturally to conceive.
But 4 years later, in which time we had multiple pregnancy losses, we began to seriously face the reality that we wouldn’t be having any biological children. Each pregnancy loss was almost more than we could bear and it was after miscarrying our last child at 22 weeks that we knew God just had other plans for us.
Was the process as easy/hard as you’ve imagined?
I didn’t know ANYTHING about the whos-whats-whys-hows though I know my friends joke around saying I am a walking adoption guide! The process itself is quite simple — private adoptions are very straightforward with a good lawyer, and everything is done in court. Adopting from the Department of Welfare isn’t difficult either, though it takes longer.
I have incredible friends who have walked this journey with me, and after I adopted my first child, I came to know about an Adoption Support Group run by the Ibu Family Resources Group. The support and friendships I have built there with other adoptive parents (and those hoping to adopt) has helped me so much, and I hope to help others similarly as well.
Tell us about your very first encounter with Nadine, your eldest daughter.
When I lost my baby at 22 weeks, I was broken. Nothing made sense. I withdrew from everyone, except for my husband. I was angry at everyone and everything. Being around pregnant women and babies made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. It took me a long time before I began talking to friends again. But when the call came about this baby – this baby who was to be mine, THAT really took my breath away. I was still so afraid, because I feared it wouldn’t happen. But we met her. We held her. She smiled, she held my fingers. She glued all my broken bits together. She made me a mum, HER mum. I felt a bond with her that I never imagined I would have with another human being. It didn’t matter in the least that I hadn’t birthed her, that she didn’t look like me, that I hadn’t felt her kick inside me. This child could not be more MINE.
Is motherhood any different from what you had imagined?
Where do I even start? It’s far more fulfilling than I had ever imagined, but also far more exhausting. I have been a stay at home mom for almost four years now, and there are (many) days when I stop and think, was life before kids so empty? When I’m overwhelmed, I miss hanging out with my friends, my career, adult conversations, spontaneous trips, pub nights…. But when they come to me with something they have made, or just want to cuddle, or have so much fun in the park, when we have long talks about this and that, I know that motherhood, for me, has been a blessing and privilege that I almost thought just wasn’t going to be for me.
Then came little Nadia. What made you decide to have her? How different was it compared to when you had Nadine?
When Nadine was about a year old, we decided that we were ready to start looking for a second child to adopt. We knew it was going to take a while to find, and it took us about 2 years to find Nadia. In the 2 years, we had nothing less than 5 close calls. It was a real emotional roller-coaster, especially as with one baby that was due to be born a few months later and I was determined to try and breastfeed him. So I did everything I could and successfully induced lactation under a militant regime of pumping and consuming every milk booster advised. I was so thrilled, because if there was one thing missing in my motherhood journey, was that I wasn’t able to breastfeed my eldest. So when that adoption didn’t happen, I was really devastated.
But then we found out about Nadia, who was 2 years old then. It is so great to see the two sisters playing together, and becoming real best friends. Mothering her has been different, as an older child, we had to work harder on attachment and bonding, and helping her feel secure with us. There are tonnes of online resources of course, but nothing like having to talk to people who have had similar experiences.
Do you talk to the girls about adoption?
They are still young so we haven’t told them they are, but we don’t speak in hushed tones about it if we are talking to friends/family. We have a collection of adoption-themed books to normalise the issue of adoption with kids. We will likely tell them when they turn 5, if they are ready for it. It’s really so important to tell your kids they are adopted.
Anything that you would’ve done differently, if any?
Been armed better to deal with issues related to adopting an older child. I took it for granted that it would be as easy and natural as with my first, who was adopted as a newborn. I wish there was more support and resources for those adopting older kids, to help families with the challenges.
What’s the one thing you wish to tell couples who are considering adoption?
Adopting is just a different way to have or add to your family. It’s nothing strange. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, you don’t need to hide the fact that your kids are adopted (though details of their stories are private, and you don’t need to furnish details to everyone who asks about it!) and just remember that blood or not, when that child is put in your arms, and she looks up at you, YOU are her mummy and daddy!
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Names have been changed to respect the privacy of the family.
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Lai San is an ex-marketer living in Jakarta but her heart has never left KL. Mother to 3 years old Doughnut, she is close to a total cure of her OCD with a toddler to clean up after at home. When not stuck in a jam, she writes freelance as a cover up for her total inability to cook, bake or sew.
