Max and I had a brilliant family planning strategy for our first child: “Let’s not plan it, if it comes, it comes”. My first pregnancy happened two months into our marriage – unexpected and early. The initial shock gave way to anxiety and insecurity which eventually melted into resolve, dedication and anticipation. Aidan became the best thing to have happened to us.
Building Your Dream Family
We often talk about having more kids after the first pregnancy, debating on how many we wanted, the ideal age gaps between them, what kind of family we’ve always wanted, life plans, hopes and dreams, and how it’ll all fit. The story always changes, much like our circumstances and priorities but these conversations have become the very foundations of our future.
We decided we were going to wait at least year and a half before trying for a second baby – a seemingly sensible gap between recovering from birth and managing another. Shorter intervals would mean dealing with diapers and sleepless nights in one go. But as soon as our firstborn Aidan hit a year old, we realised we were blessed with a sweet-mannered non-crier that was the complete opposite of the fussy child we were bracing ourselves for. We figured we could handle two earlier than we thought, and agreed to try immediately and conceived shortly after.
Adjusting to Children
You’ll find yourself being the go-to person for advice once you’ve experienced birth and the first year of parenting. Having answers to the questions you used to struggled with before and how well you’ve adjusted to parenthood can define your readiness for a second child. Others who have experienced difficulties in birth or raising their first child may decide to not want more kids or opting a bigger age gap between the kids.
The unknown is never easy and every day with Aidan is a new uncharted territory. With sleep and potty training, eating habits and playtime, his needs changes as he grows. If we had waited until his “terrible twos”, which he’s just about to get into now, I might have had changed my mind about having another so soon. But every time I stumble over that hurdle of self-doubt, tears and declare I can’t do it, I do. In retrospect, the tough times become lessons learnt and only seasons you as a parent. They become proof that you can.
Lifestyle Considerations
Older mums have health concerns to consider with regards to pregnancy and birth. Deciding to have kids at a young age may lead to the luxury of enjoying your golden years with adult children.
Take into account the price tag that comes with raising more than one child. Consider daily substances like milk, diapers and daycare services, to more long term financial planning like education and healthcare. See how a second child would fit into current work schedules and if you’re able to commit the time required to raise more than one child.
If I was still working, we might have timed our second child differently. When Max received a diplomatic posting, I had the choice to be a stay-at-home mum and hire a helper. This meant that I’d have enough time to cook and care for my kids, leaving other house chores to the hired help. It also means someone’s around to babysit a couple of hours at a time so that I can juggle work, diplo-wife duties and “me” time.
Go With Your Gut
Sometimes it’s best to not get bogged down by things like “can we really afford it?” or “can we handle it?”. Even without answers to all the important questions that come with raising children, you’ll find that there’s always space in your heart for another child if he or she’s wanted. So whether you feel ready or not, sometimes the best indication to growing a family is following your heart.
And slightly shy from the irresponsibility of not planning, some couples choose to just wing it! Many legitimately feel that conceiving and raising children is a natural process that shouldn’t be planned. Between religious beliefs and the adventurous, the philosophy is well tried and tested – resulting in perfectly happy and healthy children.
So however you make your decision, as with everything else related to raising kids, flexibility is your friend. We’ve come to realise that in the end, successful parenting boils down to commitment, thought and lots of love.
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Khairun is mum to 18-month old Aidan and owner of Recovr Resources Sdn Bhd, a growing social enterprise in the recycling and equal employment industry. She and her husband Max are currently living in Jakarta, and are expecting a daughter in December.
Image credit: The Express Tribune
