No, mummy! A typical tantruming tot refusing to leave the toy store? Nope…not in this scenario. How I wished it was, though. My daughter’s arms were outstretched, tears streaming down her face. Her words were directed at me.
Call me sensitive or dramatic, but occasions like this would often bring tears to my eyes. Over the first few years of my firstborn’s life, my daughter would (more often than not) demand that Daddy (or Grandma) be the one to feed, soothe, or settle her. I could only watch, feeling helpless on the sidelines. Never would I have thought I would be so distressed over not being ‘allowed’ to wash a dirty bum!
Other than the fact that it was pretty heart-wrenching to be rejected by the heart and soul of your life, I also felt like a complete failure as a mum. I heard complaints from my mummy friends, who were exhausted from being on call 24/7 because of their clingy toddlers. I secretly yearned for that to be me (the grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it!), and for a chance to feel more worthy as a mother.
Doing everything I could
By the books, it seemed like I was doing everything that would put me in a position to not be the rejected parent. I was the main caretaker, ascribed to gentle and positive parenting, making the necessary sacrifices- the whole nine yards! Disconcerted, I dug a little deeper on what steps could be taken to manage the situation. Here are suggestions that helped, based on my personal experience:
1. Balance your quality time
This was a tricky one- getting the non-preferred parent to spend more time would appear to be key, but it could actually be that little tot is simply craving more attention from the favoured parent. Try reflecting and balancing things out accordingly.
2. Maintain a united front
Are you always the only one setting firm boundaries and playing bad cop? It certainly won’t help if the favoured parent is always caving in to daily sweet treats and late bedtimes, while the non-preferred parent is holding on to all the ground rules!
3. Take baby steps
Sometimes roles can become so entrenched, they become a habit – and un-habiting has to be done gently and gradually. Parenting author Maggie Dent suggests trying to periodically sub the preferred parent out for an hour at a time. The protests might cause some stabs to your heart, so go in mentally prepared and don’t take it personally!
4. It’s not you (honestly!)
Yes, this is a repeat of what was just mentioned, and it certainly deserves an entire heading to itself. I repeated this mantra every time I faced a torrent of rejections – don’t take it personally! Definitely not easy, but it helped to remind myself that it’s a pretty common and healthy developmental phase, and could even be a good sign.
According to paediatric physician, Dr. Heard-Garris, if a child feels comfortable actively rejecting one parent, that means she’s securely attached. It might sound counter-intuitive, but if a child were unsure of a parent’s love, he or she would cling to any scrap of affection they can get!
5. Have a “toddler snub” response plan
Guilt trips, pouting, and pushing against toddler snubs will make the situation worse (although I totally get it – we mums are tempted to throw our tantrums too!). Pre-empt tricky situations, so you can dive into them prepared. You could have choices readily available to offer (“Do you want to cuddle Teddy or Bunny to sleep tonight when Daddy isn’t around?“) or have a few go-to phrases to repeat when you feel overwhelmed (“I hear you, but when Daddy is not around, Mummy will help you“).
6. The glass is half-full
Finally, take advantage! Enjoy the extra me-time. Make the most of your situation- indulge in a longer shower, and slowly savour your meals. Remember to also use this time to relieve the load of the preferred parent, in other more feasible ways.
Also, try to remember: as clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says, “Your child’s rejection is not a barometer of your parenting. In these moments, there’s nothing wrong with the in-favour parent, the out-of-favour parent, or the child.”
My daughter is now 6 years old, and we have the beautiful mother daughter bond that I dreamed of the day I found out I was pregnant. She has a special, unique relationship with Daddy and Grandma too, and is beyond her years with her empathetic and caring demeanour to those around her. (For the most part anyway, and understandably, with the exception of her younger annoying brother!).
So #makchicmumsquad, if any of you mamas (or papas) are going through the rejected parent phase, hang in tight- there’s light at the end of the tunnel. (P.S: Don’t forget to enjoy that extra long cup of morning coffee in the meantime!)
