I was eight months pregnant and carrying a screaming toddler upstairs to take a nap he clearly didn’t want when it hit me: I was totally unprepared for this. “This” being pregnant for the second time, with my first child below the age of two (fifteen months old to be exact).
It was really something I thought I could handle… that is, until the unstoppable-six-week-long morning sickness (which I hadn’t had the privilege of experiencing the first time around), paralysing back muscle sprain and general reality of the situation, turned every “I don’t know how she does it” into a “I don’t know if she’s actually going to make it through this time.” And honestly there were definitely points throughout my 40 week (yes the full 40 this time) journey when all I could do was give myself pep talks and hope to make it through another day.
If you’re pregnant or planning to be – and you have a child who is still running around in diapers, you should really read this: A few things that helped me survive, in hopes that you will find either find a glimmer of hope or maybe even a lifeline.
Get Family On Board for the First Trimester
At first I insisted on hiding the fact that I was sick from my son – fearing it would upset him to see his mom in such a state. Mistake one: feeling guilty for not being able to take care of your child. There’s no point wallowing in guilt for not being able to take your toddler out for a walk, or to Gymboree or whatever else you feel like he’s missing out on because he’s stuck in the house with you.
What you really need when you find yourself unable to cook, eat, clean or even get yourself dressed is someone who can take action. If you’re blessed to be feeling oh so fine, that’s great – for everyone else, pick up the phone, call someone from your family (extended family works too) and convince them to move in with you for a few weeks. Failing which, hire help.
Because with a toddler running around – when you can barely stay upright long enough to take a shower – you’re going to need all the help you can get. The only way to get through this exhausting period is to rely on the help of others to keep your home afloat and attend to your child when you just can’t. Husbands are key people during this period, not only for giving you a break, but also to look after you during your worst moments. I recommend husbands taking some time off work if possible to help out, or arranging to be home earlier than usual every night for at least a few weeks.
Make your Toddler Feel Special
The second trimester is usually the most comfortable one which may translate as The Best Time to Get Things Done. A new baby on the way probably doesn’t make much sense to your toddler at this time, so my advice is to act like it’s no big deal. Don’t make things all about the baby when the baby isn’t even here yet. Instead, choose a small moment each day (for us it was right before bedtime) to tell your toddler a little about the baby that’s coming. Leave it at that. Don’t stress him out with too many life changes; it may not be wise to rush into things like potty training or putting him into preschool.
Yes, the time your toddler has left as an only child is coming to an end, but no it doesn’t mean you need to cram as many “mommy and me” activities into every waking moment. You’ll tire yourself and your back out if you try and take an active toddler out and about every day, so plan little things you can do – even if it’s just a nature walk or an afternoon at the pool. You don’t need to bring him to the beach/farm/jumper gym to have quality time. Also, it’s really not the end of quality time. In case you’ve forgotten, newborn babies nap A LOT – so there will still be a lot of together time for you and your toddler even after the baby is born. And speaking of naps, try and get your toddler to stick to his schedule and take at least one long nap a day, so you can get some rest too.
Cut Yourself Some Slack
Your toddler isn’t judging you. Things don’t need to be perfect. For example, I cut one of the two bath times my toddler has in a day just because it was getting too hard with my jumbo-sized bump. Some days, I traded the nutrition-packed homemade meals for a simple tuna sandwich and a happy kid.
The point is, during the home stretch, you might want to stop the striving; the last trimester is tough enough without trying to meet the high standards no one but you probably cares about. Give yourself permission to have “days off” several times a week to hang out with your toddler, or just sit around and do nothing but wait for your baby. The busiest time of your life is just around the corner, so as my sister-in-law said to me during my 17 hour long labor, “save your energy for the last part.”
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Michelle Lim-Chua is a mum of two and a copywriter with a special interest in sociology. Born in New York City and raised across six different countries, Michelle loves traveling and is naturally curious about people and their cultures. She moved to Malaysia more than seven years ago, found God and fell in love with a boy from Melaka. Michelle is still learning, along with her husband, how to be a good parent.
Image Credit: Michelle Lim-Chua.
