Babies cry a lot, some more than others particularly those affected by stress from sudden and early separation from the parents after birth, a difficult pregnancy or birth or in cases of surgery and illnesses. It’s also common for babies to cry when overstimulated.
An unsettled, crying baby can be nerve wrecking and a recipe for a meltdown for an exhausted mother. So as we’re pacing, rocking and shushing, our frustration is also building. Not only are we frustrated, we’re tired, disappointed and angry. We’re feeling inadequate because we are failing to soothe our crying baby. These feelings of surrender and of losing control come very strongly and start to affect our capacity to emotionally connect with our baby.
The best remedy for a growing frustration is to take deep breaths into our belly. According to Thomas Harms, a German therapist and the founder of Emotional First Aid approach for crying babies, belly breathing restores our bodies to a calmer state, which then bring us to be more present in our bodies. It slows us down and that’s the ideal way to be regain our capacity to support our crying baby.
Newborns and infants don’t arrive with sophisticated communication skills and crying becomes their way to express their state and that something they need is lacking. These young ones perceive danger in the form of loss of loving support from their primary caretaker and they communicate this loss by crying. So they are calling for support, touch and attention. But it’s hard to be loving and supportive when we are exhausted and frustrated. The Emotional First Aid approach offers techniques to reduce tension and frustration through reconnecting to their own body’s rhythms such as belly breathing.
When we tune into slower breathing in our belly, we are supporting ourselves by connecting to the natural flow of our body’s sensations. We’re regaining our self-confidence to deal with our baby. And that’s the first step to restoring the bonding process with our baby as they can sense we are ready and willing to support them fully again. By focusing on belly breathing, it becomes easier to get through moments of crisis and our own internal distress caused by a crying baby.
How Do I Practice This?
While holding your baby, begin by focusing your attention to the movement of your belly as you take your breaths, feeling the sensations of your skin touching the baby. As you do this, your muscles will begin to relax. When you feel relaxed, you can allow yourself to be deeply connected to your baby through the physical skin-to-skin contact.
One useful technique when you are resting belly-to-belly with your baby is to visualise the umbilical cord still connecting the both of you and remembering how you were nourishing your baby in your belly as you are doing so now too.
Does it Work?
Babies, especially newborns, respond very quickly to changes in their parents’ state when they sense a calmer willingness to be open. In another scenario, sometimes the baby will cry harder as they are feeling that they are finally being heard. They have a story to tell, maybe from the birth or from a painful experience. We can hold them close, stay with our belly breathing and offer ourselves as a stable support for the baby to release their emotions. When they have shared their story, the baby will begin to relax and calm down. Unlike the cry-it-out method where babies are left alone unattended, this approach differs as we are continuously being present and supportive through the crying and that helps to build a strong foundation to regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
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Amy Tan is a movement therapist and educator who is the director of Zentrum, a movement-based healing center in Kuala Lumpur. She lives a free-range life on a farm and that’s where she’s raising her daughter.
Image Credit: Flickr user TheGiantVermin
