Life with a newborn really starts at home. With newness comes nervousness because you never know what to expect. And while I had done it before with Aidan, bringing Aria home came with a new “first” – having to deal with an only child adjust to getting a new sibling. Max and I had done all we can to prepare him for the incoming baby but we really didn’t know how he’d respond when it actually happened.
Three months in, things are going really well, while we help Aidan get to know Aria.
Introduce Him as a Hero
The oldest in the family is always looked up to and are inadvertently groomed to take up responsibilities and lead for life. It wouldn’t be any different for Aidan and upon first meeting his sister, I told her: “This is your big brother; he’s fantastic; he’s going to take care of you”. I want him to know that in her eyes, he will always be a star. A little boy grows up a lot when he feels responsible for someone else. And a little girl grows up confident when she knows she has a big brother that will always have her back.
Talk for Baby
And until Aria can speak for herself, I talk for her. I have her say to him, “Hello Abang!” and point it out when she responds to him like, “See, you’re making her laugh!” or “If you grab her too hard, it hurts”. This helps him see the baby as a real person and teaches him that his actions solicit reactions, good or bad, and how he should respond as a brother figure.
Let Him Get Acquainted at His Own Time
As much as you hope your children will be the greatest of friends, the best thing you can do for their relationship is not push it. My son had always been very friendly and he warmed up to Aria just as he did any other stranger he meets. He noticed how affectionate everyone was with this new person and wanted to do just the same. From the first day, he’s loved to kiss her because everybody does too and whenever he wants (which is a lot) I’d let him hold her. But even if he didn’t warm up as quickly, I’d take his cue in pursuing the relationship.
Recruit Him into Team Baby
You’ll have your hands full in the first few weeks and an extra pair of hands is always useful. Take advantage of his curiousity by soliciting help. Getting him to fetch diapers and blankets or asking him to watch baby (in the cot) while you run to the loo for a second makes him feel important and an important part of the baby’s life. And when he hears a thank you for the help, he’ll want to do in again.
Be Available
Tending to babies can be very time-consuming and there’ll be moments when even the most understanding of little tots will demand for Mummy to “look at my drawing” or “come roll around on the floor”. Whenever he requests for attention, try to provide it. Put yourself in his shoes and be sympathetic. When you look up from a diaper change and tell him “Give me 5 minutes darling, and then I’ll read you that book”, he’ll know that even though this new person is taking up a lot of Mummy’s time, he’ll still have you. Learning to be patient with you and tolerant with his new sibling is the bonus.
Include Him
Whenever you can, get your older child involved in your own bonding moments with the baby. Cuddle together when you’re breastfeeding or let him join you in your watchful fascination of the gift of life in the form of a tiny, sleeping baby. Teach him to observe baby’s movements and talk about how wonderful and fleeting this moment is for the family.
Celebrate Individuality
You’ll realise early on how different your new baby is compared to your first and as time goes by, their differences will be what would define your love for each of them as individuals. Revel in their unique traits and let them indulge in their interests – for my son, it’s planes and trucks and things that go – and tell them his hobbies can be something for him to teach and share with his younger sibling when she’s old enough to play.
My two-year old is exceptionally receptive to his new sister. While I read about kids rejecting, ignoring or getting jealous of their new siblings, “Baby Aria” is a big part of Aidan’s life. His morning routine includes a “Good morning, Baby Aria!” and every time he lists the people who matter to him, she quickly made a permanent spot on his list. When she’s in the vicinity and he sees something that interests him, he’ll show it to her too. Hopefully this early, positive start will be a foundation for a healthy and lasting relationship between my kids for the rest of their lives.
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Khairun is mum to two kids and owner of Recovr Resources Sdn Bhd, a growing social enterprise in the recycling and equal employment industry. She and her family are currently living in Jakarta.