Sex and pleasure is a hot topic, hands down – with many of us facing tons of (overly personal) questions and (usually) a lack of answers! We had a juicy Ask the Expert session in the month of May, with our expert, Jasmine King of Jas Explains, a sex-positive page advocating for sexual empowerment in Malaysia, weighing in on your questions. Jasmine also runs a sex podcast from an Asian perspective at @iwishthepod.
Here’s a summary of her answers to our #makchicmumsquad’s questions on sexuality, sexual health and pleasures.
A New View On Sex
Growing up, I’ve always been taught that sex is “dirty”. How can I unlearn this as an adult?
I personally love turning to sex-positive contents such as articles, podcasts, talks, YouTube videos and following sex-positive pages on social media. Joining events help too, especially talks, workshops or discussions on sex and sexuality. You don’t necessarily have to actively converse about it if you’re not ready to talk just yet – even taking a step back and listening in is more than enough. You still learn a lot by listening and normalising the conversation.
If you’re ready to talk about it, then do just that. It helps to talk with likeminded people, because the act of listening to what others have to say and having the opportunity to share your thoughts is a really empowering thing. There’s no right way of going about unlearning and relearning. As long as you come in with an open mind and keen to learn, you’re set!
Too fast, too slow, or can’t get there
As mamas, we all know how our libido, amongst many other things, can drastically vary according to the time and season in life! Don’t worry- here are some ways that can help you in managing your sex life, with a greater understanding of desire and duration, sexual preferences and methods to achieving orgasm.
My husband suffers from premature ejaculation, but refuses to seek treatment. How can I help him last longer in bed?
In essence, when we say premature ejaculation (PE), international guidelines dictates that PE happens when ejaculation happens within 1 minute from start of penetration. Some of the ways we can help our partners with PE last longer in bed are:
- Masturbating 1 to 2 hours before sex; to lengthen orgasm time during partnered sex;
- Taking breaks during sex;
- Wearing condoms to reduce sensation;
- Opting for sex positions that give him more control or aren’t as exciting to him; and
- Shifting focus and not making penetration the main act but rather – making foreplay coreplay.
This helps in reducing stress and making sex fun again. Penetration is just one aspect of sex, there’s more to it!
How do I guide my husband in helping me reach orgasm?
Before even guiding our partners, it’s important for us to first of all know what makes us feel good. There are three ways to guide our partners:
- Have a conversation about likes, dislikes and compare notes.
- Be specific with your instructions in bed.
- Physically manoeuvre them,
My libido has diminished post-baby. How do I address this?
Change in sex drive, especially post-partum, are extremely common. It takes some time for the drive to come back again – understandably so, since your focus shifts towards caring for your newborn. One way to address this is just to be gentle with yourself and take time to heal. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. There is no set timing to when one gets their libido postpartum, so there is no rush.
Another way is to expand the definition of sex by shifting focus to more intimacy. While penetration may not be there, you could still experience intimacy with your spouse through touch – for example, by cuddling, kissing, holding hands, or massages. This is a great way to reconnect as a couple without the pressures of sex, at least until you fully heal and gain your libido back.
Finally, if you feel strongly about seeing a professional about the issue, go for it. They help a lot too.
What would you and your partner agree on to spice things up? Mutual respect and personal values of course take precedence, and Jasmine shares an array of possibilities used to keep the spice going.
Where do I get toys online and how do I start introducing them in our sex life? What else can we do to spice things up?
I love that you’re thinking about trying out toys! I am a huge fan of toys because they are just life-changing, but I understand how awkward it would be to bring it up to a partner. I personally enjoy sharing with my partners about what I like in bed, what my fantasies and desires are and then slowly sharing toys as part of the fantasy and seeing what they think about it. Toys help enhance pleasure, especially during partnered activity.
Another way to spice things up is really to ask each other what your fantasies are and see what you can do together that both of you are comfortable in. For example, if one of you has a threesome fantasy but you’re not ready to explore that (though you’re open to do some roleplay), then you can incorporate that in your session. You can even explore using props in bed like silk or cloth (for sensation play), blindfolds (for sensation depravation), ice or some warm (pressure play), paddle or wooden spoon (for impact play) etc.
As for toys, you can get them online, they’re abundant! I personally love my Womanizer Premium 2 that I got from @horny.sg. For list of trusted Malaysian toy stores, you can check out my list here. I also personally love toys on @hedonisttribe and @horny.sg because of the good array of choices. Use my codes JASEXPLAINS15 on Hedonist and JASEXPLAINS10 on Horny to get 15% and 10% off!
Can we talk about swapping partners? I have to fantasise of someone else to keep me going. What should I do?
I think it’s pretty normal to fantasise about things to keep you going, even if you’re with a partner at that time – it’s just your way of getting yourself ‘there’.
If you want to and are open to it, you could share your fantasy with your partner and see what they think about it. It can be daunting to share something so taboo and personal, but you could always open up with the conversation of what their fantasy is, and then slowly share yours. Who knows – they might even be into it. If they’re not ready for a real life swap, you could always do role-playing in the bedroom where both of you imagine that you are swapping (but not really!).
If they’re open to understanding more about this fantasy, you could watch videos together, or share articles and podcasts. You don’t have to push the idea hard to them; instead, let them digest and take their own time, especially if the idea fascinates them and is not a complete “no” at their end.
But honestly, taboo fantasy or fantasies in general are pretty normal to have. Sometimes, we need some fantasy to add some spice in our sex life.
Talking About Sex
Yes yes, we all know open communication is best. But it’s really easier said than done, especially when it comes to conversations about sex! Here’s some practical advice on how to go about getting things out in the open:
My partner often insists on sex when I’m not in the mood for it! I feel very pressured, but he just doesn’t listen when I say no. How can I talk to him about this?
- Have a conversation during a neutral time. Explain that when pressured, sex just isn’t fun or pleasurable anymore.
- Schedule sex in. As unsexy as it sounds, when you schedule sex, you are going to make it make a point to honour that special moment together.
[Editor’s Note: Team makchic also feels strongly about giving and acquiring consent in all relationships. Please ensure that your partner respects your ‘no’ and that you respect theirs too.]
How do I discuss kinks with my partner? I’m shy!
A great tip for discussing kinks, especially for shy people, is to try the ‘Yes, No, Maybe’ list. They’re basically a list of sexual acts that both you and your spouse can fill up and see whether the acts are a yes, no or maybe for you personally. Once you’ve filled it up, you can swap this with each other. It’s a fun way to get to know each other and see what your likes and dislikes are. It’s really eye-opening to know a new side to your partner!
You can find this list via Google or better yet, you can make your own list and include your list of kinks in there too! It’s a great ice-breaker to start conversing about your own kinks 🙂