Ask the Expert with Dr Johnben Loy: Your Relationship Concerns, Answered

There are no two ways about it. Maintaining a relationship is hard work, and often times, it can get messy and confusing. We understand that it’s often difficult for mums out there to seek advice when it comes to issues concerning personal or romantic relationships. There’s the risk of being judged, and some struggles might simply feel too embarrassing to share.

In light of this, our Ask the Expert session this month features Dr Johnben Loy, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Founder and Clinical Director of Rekindle Therapy, who sheds some light on some of the relationship concerns anonymously raised by our #makchicmumtribe. 

Before Getting Married

Weddings can be a lot of fun, but being married isn’t always a piece of cake! Professional pre-marital counseling can help set the stage for open communication and realistic goals for marriage.

Should I seek pre-marital counselling before marriage?

Yes, yes, and yes. Did I say, yes? YES!

We live in an age where we hold high expectations for marital life. Partners come from different upbringing and experiences, and people are surprised by how different their partners behave once they settle into marital life. After 22 years as a marriage and family therapist, I continue to hear how couples are surprised by the impact of their spouses’ “adverse childhood experiences” showing up in their marriages, even after knowing them for years.

A comprehensive premarital assessment (such as PREPARE/ENRICH) can reveal the different areas in which couples hold strengths as well as challenges. If the premarital assessment shows areas of concern or challenge, then it is important the couple works through them with a counsellor, before setting their wedding date.

Conflicts and Communication

You’ve heard it over and over again…open communication is key to a healthy relationship. For those of us experiencing communication breakdowns in our relationships, Dr Johnben shares specific tips and methods to help couples communicate more effectively.

Communicating is hard. We always misunderstand each other, and it makes me want to quit the relationship! How can we improve our communication and find time to connect with each other as well?

When a couple cannot resolve conflicts well due to misunderstandings, then the couple needs to learn some communication skills. Start with taking turns speaking and listening. When one speaks, the other takes notes and seeks to clarify for understanding. Then the other partner responds in turn. Slowing down the communication can help a couple clarify misunderstandings. 

Want to learn more? Watch this video to see the Speaker-Listener Technique in action. 

How do I deal with conflict between me and my partner in a healthy way? I keep worrying about hurting their feelings.

Dealing with conflict in a healthy way requires both parties to be involved. Worrying about hurting your partner’s feelings may be stifling you from saying what is important to be said, and as such, causing you to feel frustrated in the relationship. Learn how to use the Speaker-Listener Technique previously mentioned. 

Here is a demonstration of how my wife and I resolve an argument using this technique: 

My husband is rarely present in our family life, choosing instead to play games and drink with his buddies. He doesn’t help with anything and is hot tempered with me when I confront him. What can I do to salvage this marriage?

If he is not engaged in family life and he is hot tempered when confronted, make an appointment with him and let him know that you want to have a serious sit-down conversation with him about the marriage. Let him know that you are unhappy about his behaviour and attitude, and if he is not willing to work it out, then you will have to take action. Consult a therapist (preferably someone with experience in marriage counselling), and also speak with a family lawyer to learn what options you have. Only when you get serious will your spouse start to take you seriously.

Sex 

The act of sex itself is often overrated- there’s a whole other part to the equation! Connection, intimacy and sex are all intertwined and closely related, working together to bring a host of benefits to the relationship. Dr Johnben weighs in with his thoughts on some common concerns:

My husband’s desire for sex and mine aren’t compatible. What can we do to improve our sex life?

Sex is only one aspect of intimacy. Improvement in a person’s sex life can be made when other areas of intimacy are enhanced before jumping into sex. Having a nice, deep conversation may increase a couple’s comfort to enter into physical intimacy. Learning to relax together (through a good meal or a massage) could help sex feel more natural. Also, talking about what we like and dislike in sexual acts can help us to find a common ground of enjoyment.

Ever since we had our first baby, the romance (and the desire for sex) are gone. I feel like I just don’t have the time and energy to give to my relationship. What can we do about this?

Having a good marriage is not automatic. We need to put in time to cultivate the romance and the connection. Sex is not the only way to build or keep intimacy. Find common interests, listen to each other’s worries or concerns, and learn to be a support and a good friend to each other. No matter what calamities may hit a marriage, ensuring that your spouse is your best friend is the best insurance policy against a marital breakup.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust is fundamental to a successful and healthy relationship. But what happens when trust is broken? How can we mend the emotional damage that occurs in relationships once this happens? 

My husband is the perfect spouse, but how do I overcome my resentment for his past infidelity? How do we rebuild trust again after his affair?

Rebuilding trust after an affair is a two-way street. If your husband is the perfect spouse and the resentment is “still in you” (although the infidelity is no longer a threat), then ask the deeper question: “What is it that you are still resentful about?” Get clarity around that. Once you do, you can approach your husband and talk to him about it, and work through how to resolve that resentment and hurt.

My husband seeks pleasure from porn behind my back. I now have difficulty trusting him and am unsure of his feelings for me. How do I get past this?

Does his porn use happen when there is less sex in your marriage? Or is his porn use reflective of a habit (some people call it an  “addiction”)? Is he willing to be open about his porn use, and even bring it into your sex life? The best way to handle this matter is to have open conversations with him, and try to understand him without judging. Try and see to what extent he is willing to open up. The more he opens up, the more you will feel you are able to trust him. If you’re feeling stuck, consult a marriage therapist with experience in sex issues.

Thank you, Dr Johnben Loy and Rekindle Therapy for lending your time and thoughts to this session! We hope that the answers shared will help our #makchicmumsquad take charge and move forward in establishing healthier relationships.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this site, or through links to other sites, is not a substitute for medical or professional care, and you should not use the information in place of a visit, consultation or the advice of your doctor or other healthcare provider. makchic is not liable or responsible for any advice, course of treatment, diagnosis or any other information, services or product you obtain through this site.