Motherhood requires love, not DNA”.
Motherhood extends way beyond the biological process of carrying a child for 9 months. It’s about one who willingly nurtures, loves, accepts and raises a child as their own, regardless of whether they share the same genetics or not.
We celebrate the special relationship between adoptive parents and their adopted children- and invite two individuals to share their perspectives on their respective personal journeys, as both a parent and a child in adoptive relationships.
Through the Eyes of an Adoptee
makchic’s Social Media editor, Nora Ismail, was adopted as a young baby. Here’s her story on life as an adopted daughter.
Discovery
When and how did you first learn that you were adopted? Could you share how you processed this information, and how learning more about your background has shaped you?
My parents never changed my last name, so I had always suspected it growing up, even as a child. They had plans to tell me about it when I was an adult and going to get married – because I still needed my biological father to give me away as a wali or sign the official papers to give consent to the imam to do so. Alas, life had other plans.
My biological mother and sister showed up unannounced (looking back – it was pretty much an ambush!) at our house when I was 18, just a couple of days shy of my first day at university. After they left, my parents sat me down to talk to me about my adoption – with my mother in tears and my late father just cruising over the details. To be honest, until this day, I’m still unsure how I ended up with my family, but I am very thankful things played out the way it did.
However, as an 18-year-old who was about to experience university life away from her family for the first time, I was very confused about the encounter. I questioned my identity a lot and that translated to a lot of broken relationships with friends and love interests. My biological sister did not make things easy; she contacted me a lot while I was at university and at one point, when I refused to take her calls, things got ugly and she accused my parents of some awful things. Safe to say, our relationship became strained throughout the years.
Despite the initial confusion and lost sense of identity, I feel like I had always embraced being my parents’ daughter, even more so in my late 20s throughout some hard lessons. And I am grateful that I got to know the kind of familial love that’s cultivated outside of blood relations, now that I am a stepmother. My heart has long learnt how to love other people so fiercely; even before my stepkids, I had loved my friends’ children like my own! I also feel like it has made me more empathetic in general.
Forming a sense of identity can be a challenge for some adoptees. What did your adoptive parents do which was most helpful for you to form a stronger sense of self?
There has never been an instance where my parents treated me like I wasn’t their child. However, my struggle with my sense of self only started after learning about my biological family, and the vague stories from both sides. I guess that still hasn’t been remedied!
[Editor’s Note: If you have ever wondered what’s the right age for adoptive kids to learn of their birth origins, research has shown that it’s best for adoptees to know the truth as early as possible, with this being necessary and beneficial for their emotional health].
On relationships
Could you share a little about your relationship with your adoptive parents/ adoptive family members?
My adoptive parents are my parents, period. I never had to use the word ‘adoptive’ to describe them, whereas I do use the term ‘biological’ to describe my biological father, mother and sister. To me, my real parents are the one who raised me, put a roof over my head, and gave me an education to set me up for life.
And I feel the same way about my late grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. We may not share the same DNA, but I grew up with them and they will always be family.
Do you have a relationship with your birth parents? If yes, do you mind sharing a bit more about this? If not, do you feel that this has affected you in any way?
My mum and birth mum speak on the phone every once in a while, and I have met them a few times in person. I’ll be frank – we have completely different backgrounds, and I could not relate to them. I will always respect them and be polite, but I believe relationships need more (beyond familial ties) to develop.
Challenges, identity and joy
What do you feel were some of the biggest challenges that you faced as an adoptee, that other children might not have had to face?
Getting married was quite tricky. I tied the knot during the MCO, and had to track down my biological father (him and my biological mum got divorced before I was even born) to sign off his rights as a wali. It was a terribly stressful process, with extra forms he needed to fill in and extra steps I had to take to verify documents, especially when he lived outside of state lines and interstate travel was restricted.
To paint a picture of this experience, JAWI required my biological parents’ marriage certificate. Now, look – they got married perhaps 40 years ago, and divorced approximately 3 years later. After several relocations on both side, there was just no way either of them still kept a copy. After numerous visits to the Commissioner of Oaths, we finally overcame this hurdle but not without finding a tearful bride-to-be found crumpled on the floor. Till this day, thinking of that entire process gives me anxiety.
Growing up, were there any moments where you felt that you were treated differently in any way by others?
Not at all. In fact, the realness of being an adopted child only hit when my late father passed away a couple of years ago. While I was helping my mum sort out my dad’s inheritance, it was hard being reminded that my late father “did not have children” and adopted children “do not get anything”. While I didn’t want anything (my late father taught me to work for everything I have and want), it wasn’t a pleasant feeling to have those documents to process, which echoed this sentiment over and over. On paper, I felt very small and insignificant.
Could you share some of the unique joys you experienced, being adopted?
There are no specific experiences that come to mind, but there is this feeling I always carry in my heart: that I was chosen, and given the extraordinary opportunity to thrive in a family.
Advice
As an adult and a mama yourself today, what do you wish the younger version of you would have known about motherhood and adoption?
I wish my younger self had the courage to ask more definitive questions. Growing up, I was timid and didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings, especially my parents’. So I didn’t probe and had to work through these heavy feelings on my own. Now, I realise that my parents were probably the best people to provide me the assurance I needed to embrace my place in their lives sooner; and I will continuously work on being as open and welcoming of my stepkids if they ever need me to be real with them – in an appropriate capacity, even if it makes me uncomfortable.
What are your words of advice for parents who are considering adopting, and for those who already have adopted children?
If you’re thinking of adopting, go for it. There will be lots of challenging times, but those things come with having your own children, or even being a stepmum. One way or another, any form of parenting is going to be hard, but it is also worth it if you want to be parents.
For adoptive parents, you are their parents and you have the right to make decisions on how you want to raise your children and tackle the hard conversations. But if the time comes, I hope you will try your best to approach it with honesty.
And please seek professional advice early on about the legalities of things, like changing their last names or the breadth of contact their biological families can have.
Through the Eyes of an Adoptive Parent
F and her German partner have two adopted children, with one being neurodiverse, and the other being neurotypical. Here is her story on how they ended up as a beautiful family of four.
Of In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and sperm donors
You adopted not just one, but two beautiful children – could you share your story with us about what led to your decision, and what the adoption process was like for you?
We got married when we were in our mid 30’s and as a no “time wasting” type of couple, we embarked on building a family as soon as we said our ‘I do’s’. We found our journey to parenthood potentially challenging, due to medical reasons. Upon receiving medical results from the doctor, we knew IVF might be our best option. Our situation also prompted conversations about adoption and sperm donors. Three unsuccessful IVF rounds later, we were faced with the question: should we have another round of IVF, when the only option forward was to find a sperm donor?
After spending our time, energy, and a big chunk of our savings on IVF, we were (naturally) devastated. But we also knew that whilst the IVF door was eternally closed, building a family was not out of reach. For us, a sperm donor path was out of the question, due to our faith, and we felt strongly about being on “neutral ground”. What this meant was that I didn’t feel there was a need to embark on a search for the right “biological” father while being married to my husband. To me, he is the perfect father. We wanted to build a family. I personally feel strongly about a family being built upon love and strong bonds. We were (and still are) on the same page about this monumental life-changing decision to opt out of searching for a sperm donor.
Adoption
We both revisited our thoughts and feelings about adoption, a conversation we had many years ago. It felt right. We both jumped at adopting with excitement. When posed with the question on “why adoption?”- there were no words, to be honest. Our best answer was that we knew with all our hearts that we would be able to give unconditional love to our children. We just knew that we wouldn’t love them any less, just because they were adopted. Upon researching the various options on adoption in Malaysia, we came across several social media platforms supporting unwed mums and impoverished families looking at (unfortunately) having to give their child up to a caring, warm and loving forever homes.
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Our process
We met both our children’s birth mum, not long before they were born. I was present in the delivery room when E was born and had the unforgettable honour of cutting the umbilical cord. We didn’t make it in time for baby E’s birth, but my sister was there to lend her love and support to the birth mum. Both children came home with us from the hospital as newborns.
We went through a formal process of adoption in Malaysia. Upon the birth of both children, we registered their birth at JPN with the presence of their birth mum/dad. We obtained the consensual report from the police department and visited the commissioner of oath and registration with JKM for the necessary forms. We were made aware of the two-year guardianship period before obtaining an updated birth certificate with our names on it, and were able to apply for our children’s passports very early on, with the help of their biological parents. The officer in charge was so wonderful and helpful.
Alternatively, adoptive parents can also apply for an International Passport when the two-year guardianship is up. The process may seem lengthy but it is all clearly presented by the Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat Negeri.
Both of our children are Malaysian citizens. This does eliminate some of the stories we hear about the complications (for non-Malaysian citizens) in obtaining documents, Klinik Kesihatan check-ups and future registration for national schools. We are thankful that our process has been pretty smooth sailing from the get-go.
The people around us
In our society, it’s common for many of us to be recipients of unsolicited advice from family and relatives. Did this happen to you, and did it make the decision or process of adopting any easier or harder? How did you manage such comments?
I guess for us, we didn’t have to wait too long before both children came home with us. My parents and close family members were extremely supportive of our journey into parenthood, due to our several rounds of (failed) IVF procedures. When we broke the news four days before the birth of our firstborn, our close family members rallied behind us. Our friends gathered lots of newborn items, and before we knew it, we had a whole garden full of things. Quite literally, our front garden was covered with bags of necessities – everything we needed for an infant, and more!
Whilst we didn’t get any advice pre-adoption, we do occasionally get the post-adoption “when are you trying for your own child?”, “You can always look into IVF again, who knows…it might be successful this time.” We politely remind them we do have children, and they are ours.
Our children, no matter what
You mentioned that one of your children is neurodiverse. Could you share if this was something you knew about at the point of adoption? What made you proceed with the adoption, knowing the unique set of challenges that you would face as a parent to a neurodiverse child?
When we met our daughter’s birth parents, we had the privilege of also meeting E’s older brother. I did notice a couple of signs of learning support needs in her older brother. He was almost three years old, with barely any communicative skills. We applied the wait-and-see approach. When E was nearly two and a half, we noticed several attributes of neurodiversity- the need for speech support, an inability to regulate big feelings, and excessive emotional reactions within social settings.
We have been homeschooling E to support her speech delay. I’ve set up our home environment to support E’s inquisitive and exploratory nature. As a natural progression, our little homeschool has grown into a little community. We have several children joining us some mornings in a week for cosy playgroup sessions. This environment has an amazing and positive impact on E’s social skills and speech development. We nearly fell off our chairs a couple of weeks ago when E told us how planes are aerodynamic, so they can fly better!
Open doors
Are you in communication with your children’s birth parents? What kind of relationship do you hope to establish for the benefit of your children?
T and I had a lengthy conversation about this when our children came into our lives. Honesty and transparency is very important in our family. We do send photos to E’s birth parents, usually on their birthdays and during Eid celebrations.
We hope to have an open relationship with them when the children are older and have the ability to comprehend the unique relationship we have with their birth parents. Integrating both families is an integral part of our journey as a family. We would also very much like to introduce E and baby E to their biological siblings. We hope our children’s birth families feel the same about a possible reunion one day down the road.
Challenges and questions
What has been the most challenging part of your adoption journey so far? Were there any difficult questions that you had to answer from your kids?
We do get questions from strangers as to why our children look different from us, and we completely understand their curiosity. These questions do come across as very forward and direct, and we have to be careful in providing a mindful explanation to people we don’t know in the presence of our children. Our journey to familyhood is not a secret, but we would love for our story to be told in a respectful manner.
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A second adopted child
When we brought our second born home, E very quickly warmed up to her little brother. As months went by, she started putting two and two together. In her words; “A mummy has a tummy with a baby. But Mama, you didn’t have tummy. Baby E is not my brother!”
We understand firstborns often struggle when they realise that they are no longer the centre of attention, and complex sets of emotions will be conveyed in various ways. Like most families, we came up with a plan to support E’s big feelings. We included plenty of one-on-one time for her with either of us, acknowledged her feelings, and were patient in knowing she would somehow navigate through these feelings in her own way, with our support.
The love for her brother has grown organically, and she now absolutely adores him. Just recently, when another young child pushed Baby E, E went over without hesitating as his big brave sister and said in her loudest voice “do not push my baby brother, play nice!”. Both our children are young, and we are sure there will be more questions from them as they grow older. We hope to be able to answer these questions to the best of our ability.
Teamwork and family culture
How has your partner lent his support towards this adoption journey?
He is an amazing father to both children. Being a non-Malaysian, he felt that most of the processes were mainly for me to handle, especially due to his lack of Bahasa Melayu. He is always present at JKM appointments and interviews by JPN.
T is just simply amazing- a great father who genuinely loves and adores his children. He can’t always be around as much as he wants to, but his children are always priority. He helps with the bedtime routine, nappy changes, puts up with the sleepless nights, takes note of what their interests are, taught our first born how to ride a bike, takes the kids swimming, baking and more. Everything reflects the deep, unconditional, unwavering love he has for them. Our children adore him, and I adore him for being a great father.
As a modern, diverse family, how do you celebrate your differences and what are your ways of imparting values of acceptance, respect, and inclusivity?
Growing up in a fairly culturally diverse family, I am aware of the importance of inclusivity. My upbringing gave me utmost respect for different types of people, instilled pride in my identity, faith, culture and in myself. I am grateful that my parents encouraged curiosity about the world, and taught me that everyone matters regardless of their background.
Being in an inter-racial marriage, we naturally had some complexities that have risen in our marriage, due to our differing sets of cultural practices and traditions. We consciously introduce these complexities to our children. By setting a good example on how we navigate our differences, we hope this helps them grow to be creative, adaptable and resilient.
We also speak our mother tongue to our children, in both Malay and German. We believe this will give them a sense of belonging and a strong self-identity. We proudly celebrate our two main festivals (Eid and Christmas), along with other celebrations too. We decorate our home, invite family and close friends, listen to festive songs, put on our best festive outfits and bond over our favourite activity- makan time! We celebrate our diversity through food. We believe it can present an opportunity for our children to learn about their own culture and traditions.
Finally, the most important glue in our family is our close family members, especially our children’s’ grandparents. They have been our anchor through all our life experiences. Opa, Oma, Nana and Dada are the best ambassadors for our blended family. Through the perspectives of these experts, our children get first hand exposure to their unique cultural background.
Advice
What are some of the unique issues that you have experienced with adoption that you think other prospective adoptive parents should know?
We had the chat. The raw, uncomfortable, but essential chat. Raising children naturally poses challenges, with a constant need to evaluate and navigate through the intricacies of each individual child. In our opinion, adopting children raises all kinds of unique parenting issues. Adoptive parents and children sometimes differ notably in appearance or culture, posing potential issues for how they (or others) view their relationships.
Telling our children their adoption story at an early age may help us to become comfortable with the language of adoption. Our children need to know that they were adopted. Our openness and degree of comfort helps to create an environment for our children to ask questions about their unique story and journey to their forever home. Knowing their story of adoption would also help in fostering self-acceptance and pride in their identity. In our household, we have a saying: Family and love, above all else. Every day (and eternally), we are grateful that we found each other in this big, wide world.
If you are considering adopting, do check out our article Ask the Expert: Adoption with OrphanCare, which provides some useful information on ways to adopt in Malaysia. We hope this article has been an insightful one, and has helped some of you on your own journeys.