I grew up in a home where there was a hierarchy of emotions. Some feelings were “good” – like happiness or contentment. Others were “bad” – like sadness or frustration. Still others were dangerous, because they had the potential to hurt other people – like anger or jealousy. It’s no wonder that when it came to my daughter, I instinctively tried to quell the bad or dangerous feelings I saw coming up for her. When she cried or threw a tantrum, it felt like my personal responsibility to get her out of the feeling and into a more comfortable one.
I’ve since learned a simple yet profound truth. Feelings are meant to be felt. It’s just like that wonderful children’s book, “We’re Going On a Bear Hunt“, where they say “We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, we’ve got to go through it”. Feelings come and go, just like waves in the ocean, and in order for us to process them, we have to honour them as signals to our inner world and ride them, instead of trying to wrestle them back. I had been trying to subdue my daughter’s emotions through sheer will, which had been frustrating for both of us.
If you’re in a similar struggle, here are 5 ways to help your child ride the wave of emotions the next time those waves run high:
1. Normalise feelings
In order for our children to learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, they need to understand that all feelings are ok. Yes, all feelings – even the messy ones, like rage or sadness. This isn’t a message that can be delivered as a one-off. They need to see us modelling healthy ways of thinking and talking about feelings.
This can sound like: “Ooh, I’m feeling so nervous about that big presentation I need to do at work” or “I need to step away for minute because I’m feeling so angry I might start yelling soon”. When children see us experiencing normal emotions and working through them, they learn that they too can cope with even the trickiest feelings.
2. Don’t take it personally
We often take it as a personal affront when our child cries or yells. Here we are, trying our best to be gentle, loving parents, and yet we still need to deal with their big feelings and reactions. We forget that it’s our children’s job to feel and express those feelings. Our job is to empathise and validate their emotions, while holding any necessary boundaries. Their crying or yelling does not say anything about our parenting.
It’s also important to know that children are communicating through their behaviour. One of my favourite mantras is: “She’s not giving me a hard time, she’s having a hard time“. Remembering this helps me to access compassion, instead of taking offense.
3. Share your sturdiness
One of the questions a child is constantly asking (though not explicitly), is “Am I safe?” Feeling safe is what helps them to tolerate distressing emotions and ultimately ride the waves. We can create that sense of safety by focusing on grounding ourselves, instead of joining in their chaos. This means that we prioritise our own emotional regulation before we respond to their tears or anger.
Check in with yourself and ask what you need to get to calm. Maybe it’s stepping away, having some water or taking a few deep breaths. I also practice taking deep breaths regularly throughout the day, so that my body knows what to do when big waves of emotion are threatening to overwhelm us.
4. Let feelings be
We love our children so much, it’s one of the hardest things to watch them struggle. No parent wants to see their children suffer. This often leads us to trying to get them out of a feeling as quickly as possible with a “Don’t worry, it’s not that bad” or “There’s nothing to be upset about, stop crying“. But children must be allowed to struggle – sometimes in order to grow.
Does that mean that we stand back and ignore them in their pain? Not at all. We stay present and create a space for their feelings to exist without judgment. “You really miss mama huh? That makes sense. I’ll sit with you right here,” I told one of my preschool students, as she cried during school drop-off. No distraction, no rushing her into an activity. Just letting her feelings be and trusting her to move through them with my supportive presence.
5. Interpret the message
Especially when children are young, they communicate much more through their behaviours than they do through their words. If they’re displaying difficult behaviours, like hitting or screaming, they’re likely experiencing difficult feelings inside their bodies. If we verbalise what’s happening for them on the inside, this can help them gain clarity and eventually learn to interpret their own emotions.
“You’re so disappointed that we couldn’t go for ice cream today. I hear you,” is something I would say to my daughter, without having to fix the situation. For those moments where we’re truly baffled by our child’s behaviour, we can steer clear of assumption and instead, offer a heartfelt “Something about this is upsetting. I believe you.”
If we’re to help our children ride their wave of emotions, we need to learn to not fear the waves. We can trust that they will pass and harmlessly crash onto the shore, if we only allow them to.
by Justina Chen
Justina is a mum to a joyful 4-year-old and co-founder of Raised with Wonder, a community for parents who want to raise secure, resilient and joyful children. She believes that raising children begins from a place of deep wonder and respect for the child in front of us.
