5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays with your Toxic Family Members

We hear you, mamas. As much as we would love to say we have a great relationship with all of our family members, the reality is often far from the truth. Our anonymous Mama Secrets sessions on toxic relationships last November saw many of our #makchicmumtribe sharing their personal struggles- from controlling relationships, to over-involved in-laws. With the holiday season resulting in countless family meals and extra (obligatory) hours spent together, we hope these tips might prove helpful in helping you navigate difficult situations with the difficult people in your life. 

1. Manage your expectations 

The word “festivities” often conjures up images of home-cooked food around a nicely decorated table, amidst peals of laughter and upbeat music. But what about the behind the scenes lead-up to this (split-second) snapshot? Many of us are familiar with the chaos, differing opinions, and passive-aggressive commentary from family members that are often out of our control.

What you can choose to control though, is managing your expectations and keeping a realistic outlook. Accept that it is highly unlikely that those difficult family members of yours are going to be different this year from the years before, and don’t place unnecessary stress on yourself by anticipating otherwise. If a festive miracle somehow occurs, you can be pleasantly surprised – but if not, you’re still got your cool in check, mamas! 

2. Limit and exit 

Now that you have your expectations set, be prepared for the less-than-ideal environment you know you will be in. Besides being mentally prepared (remember: the mind is a powerful tool!), try limiting time together by keeping things short and sweet. Having a clear time limit (and an exit strategy in place) will make it easier for you to brave through the festivities, with you keeping the end in sight and maintaining control over when it will end.

3. Choose your level of engagement 

Toxic family members may provoke us, but we don’t have to take the bait. We can’t control the behaviour of others, but we can choose to react in a ‘diffuse and deflect’, polite manner. Pivoting any unpleasant topic away and commenting on something positive instead (like the delicious meal) is always a winner. You can also have a few go to phrases on hand, such as ‘I’ll have to think about it’ , or ‘You may be right’.

If the situation necessitates it, you can go for more direct ‘shut it down’ phrases such as ‘Let’s not talk about this today’, or ‘Thank you for your opinion.’ Of course, being direct in this way could be considered rude in our local culture, so do use this method at your own discretion. Alternatively, you might wish to choose not to engage with that toxic person altogether. Find other people with whom to engage in conversation, or spaces where you can find sanctuary (such as helping out in the kitchen, entertaining the little family members at the kids’ corner, or even just going into a quiet room to breathe or play music that calms you down). 

4. Assume the position of a social scientist 

Try this mental exercise at your next gathering. Step into the role of a social scientist before you step past that front door for any celebrations. This helps you stay emotionally removed from situations and gain interesting insights. Mum-in-law comparing you to her do-no-wrong daughter again? Instead of letting it ignite your anger, let it ignite your curiosity. Perhaps mum is feeling guilty for not being present in her daughter’s life as she was growing up. Definitely not an excuse for using you as a scapegoat, but here’s a good takeaway- don’t take things personally. Remember that oftentimes, it really is them and not you. 

5. Set clear boundaries 

 Boundaries? In our collectivist culture, most of us have experienced some (or outright excruciating) levels of intrusion into our personal boundaries from (often) well-meaning elders. But when your aunty starts criticising your parenting skills, or your parents-in-law demand a spare key to your house against your wishes, it’s time to put your foot down. 

The key to setting boundaries with family is to do so with tactfulness and kindness. Using a calm and neutral tone, while being specific, can work wonders. If you can, set boundaries beforehand too. For example, you could gently inform the family beforehand about the length of time your house will remain open for visitation during the festivities, or set certain ground rules about off-limit topics that you know might trigger an argument. 

On a personal level, work on setting your internal boundaries, too. Get yourself into a good headspace before your family gathering by doing what keeps you calm and happy, and working out your personal limits. Practice boundary-setting with the trusted people in your life (like your partner or a close friend), and run roleplay scenarios or practice conversations with them to prepare you for the real deal.

Good luck, mamas – here’s to a safe (and sane!) time with your family members over the holidays!