I interviewed close to a dozen friends (aged 30 – 35, both male and female) without kids, and asked them to be honest: what did they really think of their friends with kids?
Of course their privacy has been protected, as no one wants to lose any friends, and I’m going to refer to them in this article as the “Child-Free.”
Annoyed about all the photos
“I’m sick of seeing the same kind of baby photos. It’s not interesting, it’s not funny, it’s just a baby, doing nothing,” said one Child-Free woman.
It appears that the Child-Free do not appreciate their Instagram and Facebook feeds being filled with all your baby pictures. “So stop following me” you may be thinking to yourself, but it’s not that simple, woman; they are your friends, and social obligations along with the genuine desire to stay connected to you despite your child are strong reasons to keep clicking “like” even when they feel the exact opposite. I know this seems insincere, and that’s because it is. I’m not going to defend the Child-Free on this because how meaningful can a “like” be anyway?
Now apparently, anger about this over-posting only applies if your kid is not cute (but honestly who thinks their child isn’t?). So my best advice is to take a good long look at your child – and I mean look really hard – and ask yourself if he’s just regular cute, or super cute. Only “Super Cute in Action” ought to be posted.
Awe and amazement
It seems every time your Child-Free friend sees you, whether it’s for a quick coffee or at work, they wonder how you cope with life AND a child. I mean YOU. The most unorganised mess of a person, handles both yourself AND a baby? It’s truly shocking.
You may also look like a mess, in which case they are thinking you aren’t holding it together very well at all – or you look the same as you did before you had kids, which is also a shock to the Child-Free, who imagined you’d be shambles (at least on the outside) after having kids. They are also waiting for you to transform into a full-blown “Aunty” – no idea how long it will take – but are absolutely confident it WILL happen.
Secretly competing
That’s right, it is not just other parents who are competitive, you’re up against the Child-Free too. Well, their imaginary future child to be exact. And every mistake you make, or emotional breakdown you go through, is one more lesson stored away in the future parenting file. They also take note of all the things you seem (emphasis mine) to be doing right, so they can skip all the parenting books and just refer to what you did in the future when it’s their turn.
The Child-Free can’t imagine adding any tiny dependent human being into their already busy lives, so don’t try and paint a picture of what life will be like for them, because they are convinced everything will be different for them. They will not let themselves go and make their children the center of their universe; let them imagine whatever they want… You and I both know it’s better that way.
Fewer things in common
Child-Free friends worry that you’ll drift apart now that you have kids. Schedules, priorities and even topics of conversation change dramatically, and suddenly it seems like there are fewer reasons to get together (if all you’re going to talk about is your child obviously). They also now describe you as “calm” instead of “crazy” and see you as “nurturing” instead of “negligent.” One Child-Free friend even described mothers as “homey”, which is one letter away from “homely” and a sure sign that all of us mothers need to get out more. And I mean you need to go out today.
There’s only one way to fix this if you want to remain friends with the Child-Free folk, and that is to STOP talking about your child to them. Talk to them about anything but your child. I know this is going to be hard. It is going to take practice. But you can do it. Because you can’t afford to just have mommy-friends, you need Child-Free ones too.
Dads seem the same
One of the most interesting things I uncovered in my far-from-scientific research, was that no one had anything to say about fathers. This may have been because the question was framed and asked by myself (a mother), but it made me wonder why not a single one of my respondents mentioned a friend of theirs who was a dad; and how he might have changed after having kids… And so I tried to think about other dads I know (including my husband) and asked myself if what I thought of them had changed at all since they’d had kids. In truth, they really did seem the same. Sure, family seemed like a new priority (although it rarely takes a backseat to work), some appear to be more grounded and serious about life, and I’m certain many have changed in profound ways. And yet, when they post baby pictures, it’s endearing not annoying; and when they make it out for a boys night or have to work late, no one is surprised. We have a long way to go people.
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Michelle Lim-Chua is a mum of two and a copywriter with a special interest in sociology. Born in New York City and raised across six different countries, Michelle loves traveling and is naturally curious about people and their cultures. She moved to Malaysia more than seven years ago, found God and fell in love with a boy from Melaka. Michelle is still learning, along with her husband, how to be a good parent.
