makchic’s publisher, Laych Koh shares her thoughts on culture, changes and current events in her monthly column, The Dilated Pupil.Â
Puteri Nuraaina Balqis faced a problem some Malaysian women from traditional families have – parents who expected marriage on the cards, pronto. This year, the pressure was intense, with her mother breaking down during a family meal and begging her to start settling down. It wasn’t as if Puteri wasn’t actively looking, things just weren’t looking up in the search for a special someone.
And so, after prayers and a dose of bravery, Puteri tried her luck on TwtJodohMY, a Twitter account that retweets profiles of those hoping to match with a partner. She tweeted that she was looking for someone who was “not a racist, xenophobe, homophobe (or misogynist)”.
“The apps didn’t work for me – Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel. I was actually terrified by the idea of TwtJodoh but I guess I just wanted to prove to my mum that I have tried, so I swallowed my pride and took a shot,” the 28-year-old said over a WhatsApp chat. I had contacted her to ask about the ensuing social frenzy after her TwtJodoh tweet in April this year, one so infuriating that the makchic team had raised it several times in meetings. It also inspired a Mama Secrets’ sharing session about dealbreakers last week.
Navigating the fallout
Puteri knew her move could be risky – she was opinionated and used to “dunking down on misogynists” – but she never expected the hate and vitriol that would come online. For seeking what was essentially decent human values, she was slammed by other Muslims who said she was “bin Nabi Lut” or promoting homosexuality, attacked by men who said she was asking for too much, and worst, by women who also joined in the chorus of insulting her looks.
“I remember (someone) saying that I won’t get laid because for someone who is conventionally unattractive, I demanded too much to the point that I’m delusional. I think this hurt a bit because it came from a woman, a total stranger who had the sheer audacity to humiliate a stranger this much.”
“I came from a good place, wanting a good guy who is not hateful, that’s all. But I was shamed and mocked and insulted by so many people,” Puteri said.
When they go low
I am sure that readers who are not from Malaysia would probably be scratching their heads. Are these not basic human values that are shared by most people wherever you are in the world? To seek people who do not discriminate, or hate others for their differences?
There are two most striking things apparent from the TwtJodoh exchanges following her tweet. It was clear that many Malaysian Muslims had zeroed in on her stand against homophobia, downplaying the other more obvious hateful beliefs like racism and xenophobia.
One of the less offensive tweets to her said: ” … but we just can’t tolerate it (LGBTQ). We are not supposed to encourage it …” No matter that being against homophobia, which is the fear or hatred of homosexuals and homosexuality, does not equal the promotion of homosexuality, as if one had a PR and marketing campaign trying to get people to change their sexuality.
The second thing that struck hard was the reflex of her attackers to denigrate her looks. This is a smart, spirited and principled young woman who founded the Save The Schools initiative two years ago to highlight and battle the sexual harassment and rape culture in Malaysian schools. When people couldn’t come back at her brainy and well-reasoned comments, they chose to go low, targeting her physical appearance. This is the worst type of ad hominem arguments and the classic witless troll’s favourite line of attack.
Standing in the shoes of another
I thank Puteri for being brave and most of all, for being graceful and magnanimous in her replies to those who attacked and insulted her. She later wrote heartbreakingly on her Instagram: “Almost everyone in my life is so beautiful, and while I acknowledge what I lack, I embrace what I have too – my heart, my empathy, my desire for goodness, my top-tier people skill, to name a few.” Puteri’s beauty is pure and thorough, as exhaustive as her detractors were repulsive and hateful.
She also raised so many interesting points in the days of the TwtJodoh controversy, which she herself acknowledged as a “battleground for the progressives versus the conservatives”. I wonder what her attackers would say about what they hope about Islamophobia in other countries, even here in the United Kingdom, where I live? I have always felt immensely touched by Londoners who stand up for others who are abused or harassed, sometimes very publicly. I have seen for myself how someone shouted “You go back!” in defense of a Muslim lady who was being verbally harassed near a tube station.
But make no mistake, there are Islamophobic or xenophobic encounters – online or off – that do not have encouraging results. If one is to argue that we cannot stand up for others because we disagree with those values, does that then mean people who fundamentally disagree with Islamic values have carte blanche to attack or insult Muslim people? Empathy is standing in one’s shoes, trying to imagine and understand what something would feel. I wonder what one of Puteri’s detractors would feel like if they encountered an Islamophobic slur or insult in a place like London or New York. If they would hope for a stranger, or anyone, to stand up for them, even if those strangers disagreed strongly with Islamic values?
The opposite of empathy
Homophobia is the fear or hatred of, or prejudice against homosexuals and homosexuality, while Islamophobia is the fear of, hatred of, or prejudice against Islam or Muslims. Both take place in the swamp of ignorance. Interestingly, when I googled “What is the opposite of empathy?”, the word that came out immediately was not apathy or indifference – it was ‘distance’. How profound, Google! Isn’t it poetic and true that when we are distant from something, we do not know or understand it truly? How many gay friends does a homophobe have? How many Muslim friends does an Islamophobe have? This is also a lesson from any Islamophobe out there who thinks all Muslims hate or are prejudiced against gay people – look at what Puteri, a clear ally, was willing to do.
I do not think Malaysians are fundamentally hateful people. Put any group in a vicinity of a mamak stall, or an elderly person, or a badminton match, and see their tender and funny sides come out to play. I would even say that the on-the-ground and day-to-day realities are that many LGBTQ people in Malaysia are actually accepted, understood and viewed with much affection. But only if they stay in their lanes and closets. Don’t create a fuss, do not ‘make trouble’, and definitely do not promote yourselves and your lifestyles, hide those rainbows!
The politicisation of Islam and the government’s long-held policy of intolerance means that homosexuality remains an incendiary topic in Malaysia, and there are real and actual threats to LGBTQ people in Malaysia. People’s reaction to Puteri’s tweet was only an episode of a continuing series of Malaysia’s growing hatred and prejudicial attitudes towards LGBTQ people. Sadly, it is not surprising that the latest news is that Malaysia is the world’s second-worst country for transgender rights, beaten only by Guyana. You know something is seriously wrong when even Saudi Arabia, no slouch in the discrimination game, scores better than us.
Bridging the gap
The tweet and its thread of hateful replies is now gone. Puteri took it down after a while for a happy reason: she had a blossoming relationship. Our Mama Secrets session showed that women by and large wanted their partners to be kind, generous, even vulnerable. Puteri’s current boyfriend is, to her delight, all of that and more. She shared that they had a ‘grilling session’ in the early days where they talked it all out – expectations, core values, views on family and relationships, religious views, finances and everything else. “He makes it clear that he wants to be a better person along the journey, and he wants me to be his company,” she said.
Puteri said there were many Malaysians who stood up for her too, legions of men and women who encouraged her and supported her through all the nastiness online. Her happy and continuing story is one of learning, communication and love. I was so glad to chat and get to know her, even though there were thousands of miles between us. The opposite of empathy is distance. It evaporates with communication.
