I first found out I was pregnant while casually complaining to my colleague about my new-found appetite. When she suggested I was pregnant, I brushed it off, but deep inside me I think I already knew. And my first reaction, admittedly, wasn’t excitement. It was fear.
I had only been married for three months at the time. We were still figuring out boring stuff like who does the laundry, who takes out the trash, which side of our family do we visit this weekend?, etc. And I was dying to travel again after our honeymoon.
So imagine my bewilderment when the pregnancy kit stared back at me with double lines.
My morning sickness didn’t help the situation. The nausea felt like a dirty sock lodged in my throat the entire day, and the frantic run to the toilet to vomit was far from romantic. But I think the worst feeling of all was the inability to control my body. Suddenly, it just decides to have a mind of its own and no medication nor exercise could change the fact that my back ached, and my feet swelled, and my fingers grew numb daily.
I was miserable, wondering if I could ever love this baby who was causing me so much pain and suffering. I was frustrated that I would no longer be able to enjoy my freedom to just do what I want to do all the time. Mostly though, I was scared that I would be a horrible mother, because I never was good with kids.
But the worst part about all my apprehension was how guilty I felt about it because everyone expected me to be a glowing, expectant mother filled with happiness and anticipation. Few could understand why I felt miserable.
“You should be celebrating and shopping for cute baby clothes!”
“Every mother goes through morning sickness. Just deal with it!”
Not exactly encouraging…
It took almost four months before the morning sickness eased and I started feeling a little saner again. The belly was also starting to show by then, which made the pregnancy feel somewhat more legit and real I suppose. I was finally able to wrap my head around the concept of impending motherhood. By the time the baby started kicking, my feelings of guilt flew out of the window.
I started researching and preparing for the baby. Buying baby products became a priority. My husband and I also settled into a comfortable routine. Our plans of traveling were pushed aside as we made decisions like feeding options, making room for another person and budgeting for a baby. And I finally understood the concept of nesting.
By the time the baby was out, I was mentally prepared for it. And while I didn’t ease into motherhood naturally, I took each day as a learning opportunity for myself and the baby.
It’s been a year since the bub was born and I have changed so much in such a short span of time. If I could go back in time and give my younger self some words of encouragement, I would probably say this to her:
It’s ok to be afraid. It’s normal to feel helpless. Because that just means you care. Sure, some days will be trying, but these hardships will be resolved when your baby bursts into a smile. So hang in there. Let go and let life lead the way and you will find that everything happens the way it was meant to be.
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Wei Yenn was a PR Consultant before trading it for a career in education. A mother to a music-loving toddler, her most influential teacher is her son.Â
