Becoming a ‘magnet’ for parenting advice
When we became pregnant with our twins last year, we suddenly found ourselves part of a secret club. The hidden trapdoor to the secret society of parenthood opened and welcomed us within. When my bump started showing, we began bonding with existing members who were keen to initiate us as we took the first steps in our rite of passage as new parents.
Some of them were excited family and friends, whom we began to see in a different light, discovering new facets of their histories and personalities. We re-connected with long lost friends, mostly people who had dropped off our social radar after they became parents. We also started interacting with strangers on a whole new level; people with whom we would ordinarily just make small talk – colleagues you meet in office corridors, guests at wedding dinners, stall holders at the market etc. People will take one look at your big belly and swoop in with suggestions on how to care for your baby – sharing their “nuggets of baby wisdom” with you, whether you ask for them or not. Somehow when you have a baby (or in my case, two babies), you become a big magnet that attracts all sorts of attention and advice.
Keeping an open mind
Many of us modern mums tend to already read widely. So, excessive advice can really addle your brain and drive you crazy. The thing to keep in mind, though, is that as annoying as it is, most advice is well intentioned. I personally try to keep an open mind (as much as my hormonal, sleep deprived postnatal self will allow!) because if you ignore every piece of unsolicited advice you hear, you may miss out on that one brilliant titbit that can be a real lifesaver. After all, before the World Wide Web and the What to Expect series, child rearing wisdom was transferred by word of mouth.
Fortunately for my husband and I, the two wonderful women who gave birth to us are open minded and receptive to new information that has surfaced over the many decades since they last changed a diaper. They have also given us useful advice. When I had food poisoning during my pregnancy and could not take drugs, my mum made me some starchy boiled rice water that eased my discomfort. Likewise, my mum-in-law told us about the benefits of Indian drumstick leaves long before we heard that it was the new super food at a breastfeeding bazaar.
Our parenting peers told us about tips and traps that you would not find in any baby book. We learnt about the best place to buy baby car seats, drawbacks relating to certain baby carriers; shops with the best price for our brand of baby formula and bedtime routines. We even discovered how disposable baby diapers soaked in hot water make great warm compresses to relieve sore body parts. As a new mother of multiples, I also leveraged off more experienced parents of twins and triplets.
However, not every suggestion is useful. Hence, learning to ignore unwanted advice is essential for your sanity. You will encounter lines that are more examples of coincidence than statistical incidence e.g. “if you eat a lot of blueberries, your baby will not get jaundice.” It can be hard though to keep blowing some people off. Unfortunately for new mums who are still insecure about their parenting instincts, there will always be those tiresome types who, having raised children without any major mishaps, feel that they are experts with the right to point out all your mistakes as new parents.
Smile and move on!
Sometimes the best defence is to smile graciously, thank the person for their input with a reply like “Every baby and family are different, so that might not work with mine, but thanks for sharing” and move on. If the advice is coming from someone whom you know you will encounter regularly, offer simple explanations for your personal choices. For example, when accosted by formula advocating aunties, bring up fact based benefits of breastfeeding. Adopt a firm stance on matters you feel strongly about e.g. “I am committed to and confident of breastfeeding my child.” Once you have stated your position clearly, change the subject to cue the other person that the topic is no longer open for further discussion. Quote persons of authority when needed e.g. “my gynaecologist / paediatrician / husband supports my position.”
All said, the best advice I received was from a new friend. She told me: “Take care of yourself because you are the anchor that everyone (including your husband) will be holding on to.” I keep that in mind daily, especially on days when I feel the strain from the very physical and emotional work that comes with caring for two babies. Much like what they tell you at the beginning of an airline journey: “put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child.” So, new mummies, just take a deep breath and relax. As you become more confident in your parenting skills, you will become better at sorting out the helpful from the harmful and disarming bearers of bad advice with charm and style. Remember that happy, well-adjusted mummies result in happy, well-adjusted babies.
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Li-Hsian recently left a career in corporate communications to become a full-time mum to twins. She is learning new things daily as she tries to balance the romance of motherhood with the messy realities of her latest role.
Image credit: Grace Tan of stories.my.
