I’ve never been a “baby person”. This means I’m not the kind of person who goes around cooing at a baby or exclaiming how cute a baby is. And certainly not one who would ask to hold someone else’s baby, unless it’s a friend or a relative’s baby, perhaps. Even then, I’d have to really like the baby.
However, I understand why people want to hold babies or touch them. They are adorable creatures when they’re not screaming or crying the house down. Sometimes they’re cute even when they’re screaming. But what I don’t understand is the lack of courtesy when strangers touch or hold other people’s babies without asking permission from the parent first.
I experienced this firsthand when I started taking my son out in public when he was around six months old. I was a new mother and certainly wasn’t used to the attention he was getting from strangers at the supermarket, in lifts and other public places. Often people would just look at him and touch him without even asking if they could. In fact, they seldom even acknowledged my existence, as if I was just some apparatus carrying him. They treated him like an individual capable of giving consent (which he obviously won’t be until he’s 18) and touched him if he didn’t cry. They would carry him if he reached out to them.
How did I react as a mother? I’m ashamed to say, despite my gut saying it wasn’t a good idea, I let strangers carry my baby. I told myself it was fine, that the strangers worked at the supermarket at which I was shopping and therefore couldn’t just run away with him or that no one could just kidnap my child from inside of a lift. All these risks were weighed against me behaving in a hostile manner to someone who was touching (and carrying) my baby without permission.
I admire mothers who are natural tiger mums, ever ready to pounce on anyone who poses even a slightest threat to their young. I’d like to think that if I thought there was a real threat, I would definitely be able to protect my son. But are friendly strangers who want to touch or carry my baby considered a threat? And does it make a difference who these strangers are?
To some Malaysian mothers, it does. Apparently foreign workers are considered a no-no. That was the view of at least one Malaysian mother in an online forum where mothers discussed the issue of strangers touching and holding their babies. Quite apart from the usual worry of strangers abducting our children, this mother made it clear that she didn’t want workers who might be dirty (because of the nature of their work) to touch her children. I can’t help wondering if race or nationality plays a part in her prejudice as well. Other mothers were worried not only about the safety of their babies but also health issues, such as the sensitive skin of their babies (prone to eczema etc.) when they fail to assert themselves to a stranger who touches their babies.
These days, crime against children are unfortunately becoming all too common. Headlines of numerous child abductions and murders plaster our newspapers and parents are reminded almost every day to watch over their babies and children – even just a few seconds of inattention could cost them dearly. Does this mean we should all lock up our children or at least put them in harnesses and other safety gadgets so that they are safe from the predators of modern society? Do we have to start glaring at any stranger, be it man or woman, who shows any interest in our baby or toddler and start confrontations with anyone who doesn’t get the hint that they shouldn’t be touching our babies or interacting with them in any way?
It’s a very fine balance indeed. On the one hand, I’d like to live in a society where I can be neighbourly and won’t have to snarl at anyone who shows an innocent interest in my child. On the other hand, am I risking my child’s safety and general welfare just because I want to live in a friendly, non-confrontational world? Most sensible parents wouldn’t give a hoot about neighbourliness or being polite when it comes to their child’s safety. Perhaps it would be easier to say no if indeed a grimy stranger comes at your eczema-prone baby, dirty hands outstretched, coughing and sneezing, asking for permission to hold your baby. But more often than not, the culprit is a benign-looking, matronly, motherly looking lady smiling broadly at you and your child, or even a kindly uncle whose dark eyebrows have amused your gurgling infant.
To this day, I’m still struggling with strangers being overly friendly with my toddler, and I wait for the day when I can properly explain to him not to trust every stranger he meets unless I say it’s okay. I hope that long discussions about safety and strangers will help my toddler perceive the world not solely with fear but with enough knowledge to be safe and happy at the same time. For mothers with young babies who will still face the discomfort of unwanted attention, I say go ahead and snub someone if you have to, if you feel uncomfortable. After all, people who touch or hold your children without permission do not deserve your politeness, regardless of who they are.
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Janet Tay was a freelance writer and editor before becoming a stay-at-home mum. She has published short stories, book reviews and articles on books and the literary world in MPH Quill and The Star. She current juggles her time between writing and running after her toddler around the house.
Image Credit: Flickr user Sang Trinh
