When my eldest son finally started school around the age of four, I felt as though I’d been promoted to the new position of School Parent. It was an unexpectedly challenging role, one without additional perks, or a raise for that matter. The entire ordeal proved to be harder than adding a second child had been to our family life.
As a direct result of starting school, there was the surprisingly unpleasant changes to our schedule. We also faced major behavioural issues and a general disruption of peace in our home. As parents, we were ill-prepared for the tumultuous time we had trying to adjust ourselves to the concept of school.
Yet it did pass, and in what felt like the ‘longest shortest time’, we went from anxious and overwhelmed, to calm and confident once again. It did however, take us almost an entire term at school to fully adjust to all the changes. So if you’re trying some habitual forecasting for this next parenting season in life, enjoy learning a few things from my oversight and misplaced optimism.
1. Schedules will be turned upside down
Gone were the carefree days without plans and plenty of time to faff about. This included playing imaginary games indoors or wandering outside whenever the weather turned nice. Getting to school on time meant becoming the ‘hot mess’ mum often portrayed in movies. I was rushing kids out the door, forgetting lunch boxes and losing car keys.
As a huge morning person, I tried my best to ensure that school mornings remained calm and slow-paced. I prepared as much as possible the night before. But it still felt like we were perpetually in a rush, which I absolutely hated. The trick, I discovered, was to conceal my sense of urgency from my son.
I chanted to myself “Do not rush him, no one likes to be rushed” while helping him get through his morning routine and tasks in a timely manner. Whatever frustration I felt about how slow he was moving, I concealed. I banned everyone in our house from phrases like, “Hurry up, we’re going to be late!”
Our collective goal, was not just to get our son out the door in time for school, but more importantly demonstrate that mornings can be relaxed and enjoyable, rather than a horribly frantic start to the day.
Even less time
I had assumed that since we lived only 5 mins away from school, pick up and drop off times would not really effect our schedule. It only made sense after all, that once my child was in school, I’d have more time on my hands. In fact, however, it felt like there was suddenly NO time at all.
School instantly threw off the entire work flow process I had carefully cultivated during my children’s nap times. I was now left with much smaller blocks of time to achieve even less.
Perhaps if there had not been a younger sibling still at home with me, this would have been different. I would have felt the ‘freedom’ other mums talk about. Instead, I had to come up with a new way of working and increase productivity in the evenings, after both children were down for the day.
2. Good character goes out the window
My son brought home an entirely new set of behavioural issues after just one week at school. He did things that were completely uncharacteristic of him. A level of sass previously unseen, permeated our home. It was channeled most unfairly to his younger brother with phrases ranging from “You’re not my friend anymore” to “Go away and die!”
Sure, there were signs that school was helping to foster independence and grow a passion for learning. But it was deeply troubling to have our parenting practices thrown off by all the negativity and meanness that my son had now been exposed to. I found myself revisiting parenting books. I asked teachers and other parents for suggestions on how to best handle the new ‘naughtiness’ we were faced with.
New problems seemed to manifest every single day after school. Having to deal with the unprecedented level of back-talk, bad attitude, and despondency wore me down emotionally. This was more than anything else I’d encountered in the four years since I first became a mother.
Things would have been a lot better had I anticipated all the negative aspects school life would bring. It would have helped to have crucial conversations about behavioural expectations and strategies laid out before all the problems arose.
3. Younger siblings may go nuts too
I had imagined all this great one-on-one time bonding with my toddler, now that his brother wasn’t around in the morning. However, being on his own seemed to unearth an entirely different side to my two year old. Even the most independent younger sibling is certain to feel the loss of his playmate during school hours, and it can be a lot more intense than you’d think.
Naively, I had predicted that not having his older brother around for the first half the day would mean their time together in the afternoon would be something they’d appreciate and cherish with all their hearts. Almost the exact opposite happened. Full-on physical fights and shouting matches became the new normal.
The only thing they seemed to cherish was whatever piece of (literal) junk they both wanted at the same time. I can’t say what I could have done to prevent the war, except for maybe purging the house of toys before school started. But there was one thing that did help a little. I ensured my youngest was down for a nap when my eldest got home. That way there was some time spent alone, before the chaos of his younger brother ensued for the rest of the evening together.
Looking Back
When I think of my entire season as a new school parent, I am thankful I did not join the PTA, accept any major work projects or travel anywhere unnecessarily. I am glad I chose to give myself time to adjust to all the parenting challenges that came my way. Partly because I was flailing, and knew it was the only way I’d survive.
Of course by the time summer holidays snuck up on us, our family had grown wise enough. We learned to make the most of every unstructured day we had our hands. We were far more prepared to have a smoother start to the new school year.
By Michelle Lim-Chua
Michelle Lim-Chua is a mum of two and a copywriter with a special interest in sociology. Born in New York City and raised across six different countries, Michelle loves traveling and is naturally curious about people and their cultures. She moved to Malaysia seven years ago, found God and fell in love with a boy from Melaka. Michelle is still learning, along with her husband, how to be a good parent.
