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To Spank or Not to Spank: The Cost of Corporal Punishment

Spanking

I’m a stay-at-home mum living in a foreign country.

Put simply, what this means in the absence of my regular family and friends is that the principal contact point I have for socialisation is a toddler with a vocabulary of about 300 odd words and a baby who uses gestures and gibbers to tell me what she wants. And when you spend your days elbow up in bath suds, wrestling wriggling tots, feeding multiple mouths, cleaning grub off the floor, and reading the same books repeatedly, a mum’s relationship with her children can be tested and tried to limits you’ve never realised you had.

Just as every parent bonds differently with their kids, so does their approaches to discipline too. I know some parents who are dismissive to juvenile demands because “They don’t know what they want – they’re children!” Another group disapproves of emotional expressions, deeming them a sign of weakness. Others let their kids do whatever they want, absent of rules and limits because that’s supposedly how children learn.

While we all practice a bit of everything and instinctively know that to empathise and guide is the healthiest form of emotion coaching, it’s extra challenging when you spend all day, every day with the little nippers. So as the toddler discovers that he gets what he wants if he repeats his request enough times to the point of irritating me into giving in, I’m also discovering that the Gentle Parenting style I had briefly discussed before is the hardest parenting approach of the lot.

My husband and I have recently started discussing the age-old, hotly debated, taboo subject of spanking. While we were raised with the occasional whack (in retrospect, probably not unwarranted), we unreservedly agreed that instead of reinforcing respect, it had inadvertently stemmed into a certain fear for our mothers. And to our parents’ exasperation, we failed to be spanked into obedience and simply became cleverer about lying and avoiding getting caught just to dodge the cane.

Here are some bits of our conversation:

To spank

– Spanking isn’t harmful when used appropriately. Within the context of a stable, loving and communicative home, parents should have the discretion to exercise their judgment in the best interest of their child.

– Smacking is necessary in certain situations. Barring regular use, it works particularly well as a stopgap solution when a child is doing something dangerous, such as reaching for the stove burner or jabbing a metal spoon into an electrical socket.

– Spanking is an effective disciplinary method. It’s instant, quickly over and unequivocal. Studies say that the swift, sharp shock provides clarity to boundaries and rules which is a source of security for children.

Or not to spank

– Spanking is harmful. It causes physical pain and has lasting psychological effects. Conceding to using pain to punish can lead to abuse and is difficult to keep in check. Where do you draw the line?

– Smacking sends a message to the child that violence is acceptable. It’s easy for kids to imitate the same response to conflict, whether at the playground or in their later years. What parents should be advocating instead is zero-tolerance to bullying and domestic violence.

– Spanking changes the dynamics between a parent and child, more often than not by lowering the perpetrator in the eyes of the receiver. Inversely, many parents who spank end up feeling guiltier after and tend to overcompensate to ease the regret which then further muddles the message of the lesson.

We concluded by agreeing to some general rules. Tough love or tender love? It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Both are important as long as they are guided by fairness and balance. When the time comes, we will play good cop and bad cop. All and any punishment must fit the crime and it’s essential to explain why. Regardless of the circumstance, we must never punish impulsively. In serious situations, deliberation is required before administering any disciplinary action.

There’s nothing like seeing the children happy; I hate seeing them cry. But the parent-child relationship is a unique one. For them to grow up adjusted, well-mannered and self-assured they must be obedient, respectful and disciplined, which only happens when their guardians aren’t afraid to correct them when required, even if it’s painful and difficult; to parent at the cost of being their friend.

Khairun is a mum to two kids and owner of Recovr Resources Sdn Bhd, a growing social enterprise in the recycling and equal employment industry. She and her family are currently living in Jakarta.

Image Credit: Essential Baby

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