Mention the words “respectful parenting” and you’ll often have people who fall squarely into two camps: passionate proponents, and those who remain utterly convinced that this parenting approach only leads to spoiled, rude kids! But what if we told you that respectful parenting doesn’t mean “permissive parenting“? Or how this approach can work within, and in tandem with, our traditional Asian values of unity, honour and respect?
We recently had the pleasure of chatting with the pioneer of respectful parenting in Malaysia, Child and Family Development Specialist Racheal Kwacz, who gave us the inside scoop on what respectful parenting means in an Asian context, how it requires inner work, and how it’s transforming the way parents connect with their kids – and themselves.
A safe community
Respectful parenting can be likened to a hike; one that requires dedication, consciousness, and consistency. Add in the Asian context, and the hike gets quite a bit steeper. But Racheal’s uphill battle has always been intentional; one that has been founded on her “desire to create a space for women, a space to have conversations with other mothers, and to [help them know that they’re] not alone.”
With far-reaching clients from Malaysia, Singapore and stretching as far as Australasia and the Middle East, she has spent the last few years faithfully building a community of like-minded parents and mothers, many of whom are seeking support in melding Asian parenting with respectful parenting.
The importance of community and care rings true for Racheal. She herself was raised by her neighbours, who volunteered to watch over her while her parents worked. As a child, she recalls heading to her tuition teacher’s house after school, where the family would feed her, help her with schoolwork and teach her the ways of life. “If not for my neighbours, I don’t think I would be who I am today. They saved me,” she recounts gratefully.
As mamas who have grown up within a collectivist culture ourselves, we know that having a strong support group is certainly needed on the (often daunting) journey of parenthood – it does take a village to raise a child, after all!
Parenting the child in you
Having a support system is one part of the equation, but the question on how to begin respectful parenting still remains. Perhaps, the answer lies in beginning the journey by looking inwards and, as Racheal puts it, “parenting the children within us.” Understanding and showing love to ourselves can often be the first step in improving the way we react towards others – especially our kids.
“A lot of my work is about the innerchild, about unlearning and relearning. The deeper inner work will change absolutely everything,’ she shares. Through her work, Racheal has created a safe space for such reflection, so mothers are able to reflect on the whys behind their trigger points, make space to hold themselves with compassion and grace, and move forward with conscious thoughtful response instead of reaction.
Freedom, within boundaries
With many of us having grown up with the norms and influences of Asian culture, we ask Racheal: does respectful parenting still have a relevant role to play in our society? How are we to uphold our traditional values of discipline and authority, while embracing a respectful parenting approach? And how do we implement this within our own families?
“Very often the idea of respectful parenting is that there are no boundaries, which then becomes permissive parenting. And that’s where the bad stories come in – with kids doing whatever they want, being disrespectful,” Racheal shares. “What’s important to recognise is that there has to be really firm boundaries in respectful parenting. [It’s about] freedom, within boundaries.”
And what about those uncles, aunties, or grandparents who scoffs at our “child-spoiling” approach? Racheal smiles and responds, “I let my work speak for myself. One of the most beautiful things is watching my parents want to parent respectfully. This took a long time, but they saw the way [my daughter] Ella Grace was in the world, and how she has learnt to handle things.”
The sacrificial mama
Another common narrative seen not only in our Asian culture, but across the world, is how easy it can be for mamas to lose themselves during the parenthood journey. With self-sacrifice traditionally viewed as necessary, or even as an expression of love, Racheal reminds us about the importance of prioritising ourselves – that taking care of us inevitably means taking care of our loved ones.
Citing a mother’s often sacrificial nature, she poses this all-too-familiar analogy. “If I say, go buy this $300 to $400 cool experience for your kids that’s about dinosaurs and they get to excavate bones, you will say: take my money, no problem! But if I say, there’s this thing you have really been wanting to do for yourself, and it’s in the company of women that are doing the work together, you will likely be hesitant.”
As a respectful parenting guru in Malaysia, Racheal holds not just parenting workshops, but also women’s workshops. Why? “The parenting and women workshops pair together. How can you separate [a woman] as a mother, as a wife, and as an individual? It permeates everything.” This has been Racheal’s motivation in launching a series of luxurious women’s circles, in order to encourage mamas to treat themselves and “deep dive” together.
A season for everything
There’s also adaptability and acceptance. Racheal’s latest women’s circles, titled Her Sacred Seasons, has been created to “meet [mothers] at the season wherever they’re at, to provide support for the rest of the year”.
In her personal life, Racheal has also experienced new and exciting changes, with her husband recently becoming her manager and her daughter, who was previously unschooled, heading back into a structured school system. Despite Racheal’s personal preference for the unschooling process, she acknowledges that this was “not the season for it”. “Ella Grace asked for school. She was really looking for connections outside.” What Rachael did was to listen to her daughter’s needs and respond with understanding and respect.
With her husband now on board as her manager, Racheal is glad that he makes her “think about a lot of the boring things that I don’t want to think about, in order for me to be at my best. But he does it in a way without losing sight of what my end goals are. He understands and shares my why. And [my why] is very simple: it’s caring for mothers and women.”
This is, at the end of the day, Racheal’s truest long-term goal. “If you care for women, they learn how to care for others. And isn’t that the world that we want to leave behind for our kids? One that is a lot more thoughtful, inclusive and respectful.”
We couldn’t agree more ourselves.
