Even before my daughter was born, relatives and acquaintances were already asking or referring to The Next One. “Alamak, that onesie doesn’t fit anymore? That’s okay, save it for number two.” and “So, when’s the next one coming?” were just some of the comments I heard on a regular basis, especially from the aunties and uncles. And whenever I mentioned that I was happy with just one, the reactions were almost all negative.
“Just wait, you’ll end up wanting more.”
“But Arianna will need a playmate!”
“But then she’ll have to take care of you by herself when you get old.”
“You shouldn’t be so cruel!”
I must admit, that last one hurt. Was I really seen as being cruel for letting my daughter live her life as an only child? And why?
Families take on many different forms nowadays. For the most part, people are accepting of this. But in my experience and looking at what’s been written or said by others, there’s still a lot of judgment aimed at parents who choose to only have one kid. There seems to be a perception that those who don’t have siblings are at a disadvantage to those who do, and therefore our decision to be a parent-of-one means we’re doing our child a disservice.
I grew up an only child. I have a lovely half-brother but he lived with his father, so we never really spent much time together. Raised by a single dad who worked long hours to provide for me, I spent a lot of my childhood around friends and their siblings. But while I loved being around these big families, I never yearned for a brother or sister of my own. I met my best friend at the age of 11, and our friendship made me realise that family doesn’t just mean the one you were born into. Over the years, other relationships have reinforced this belief time and time again.
When my husband and I discussed how many kids we’d have, I told him that one was enough for me – although I acknowledged that we’d have the first and see how that went. Now, with my daughter growing up so quickly, I can’t wait to experience all of her milestones. Her first day at school, when her first baby tooth falls out, her first relationship drama, and so much more.
But is the joy my daughter brings me enough to make me want another?
I acknowledge that we never know what lies in our future. For me, I believe that the answer is no. I know what I’m emotionally capable of, and I want to focus on being the best mother I can be to Arianna rather than struggling to be a good parent to her and her sibling(s). Will she view me as cruel? Hopefully not (although I’m sure that will come hand-in-hand with the teenage years!).
Will she be lonely? I will do everything in my power to ensure that she grows up around and having fun with other children. Will she be spoilt, as all only children are assumed to be?
As parents, her father and I will try our damnedest to ensure this isn’t the case but if she turns out that way, we have our parenting skills to blame and not the nonexistence of a brother or sister. And what about the burden an only child faces in caring for their elderly parents later down the line? My plan was never to set the expectation that she should shoulder that responsibility, and hopefully I can take the right steps – financially and emotionally – to alleviate any pressure she might feel.
I have complete respect and admiration for parents who have multiple children and will never question their decision. Because if that’s the right choice for them, I have no right to say otherwise. At the end of the day, having one child isn’t better than having a few, or vice versa. It’s more about understanding that people want different things. And that’s okay. Most importantly, I want Arianna to grow up knowing that she has the right to make her own choices and that other people’s choices aren’t wrong simply because they aren’t the same as hers. The best way I know how to do this is living by example.
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Sharon Chai left the world of high heels, lipstick and fancy pants this year to fumble through life as a new mum to Arianna. Between diaper changing and off-key singing for her daughter’s entertainment, she writes about her Thermomix kitchen escapades on Thermomixin.com.
