My father was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer two years ago, which required an emergency surgery that left him weak and sickly. He also required intensive chemotherapy and numerous visits to the hospital. As emotionally devastating as the diagnosis was, I temporarily moved back into my family home with my daughter and immediately stepped in as a caregiver to my father – whilst juggling regular work and family commitments.
My father had always been healthy and fit, and we hadn’t expected something like this to happen for many more years. He went from running around the park with my three-year-old daughter, to becoming a frail grandfather. My life changed overnight too as I found myself caught in the middle with multiple full-time roles – raising my young daughter, whilst caring for my sick, aging father, and somehow finding the time to work.
They call us the “sandwich generation” – caregivers sandwiched between generations – the most common demographic being females in their 30s and 40s, wedged between caring for their elderly parents and taking care of their young families.
Carrying the financial burden
The added responsibility of taking care of an aging or ill parent can often result in an increase in financial stress. Gratefully, being a civil service retiree meant that my father could receive free medical benefits at all government hospitals. Nonetheless, chemotherapy had to be paid for upfront before being reimbursed later. I delayed my daughter’s enrolment into pre-school and eventually when she turned four, decided to go with a more affordable school. My finances now needed to be carefully planned every month to account for my father’s treatment and various other expenses, such as supplements, diet specific meals and the like.
Life was a mess
I was in my early 30s. I should have been climbing the career ladder, but instead, iI had to quit full time work in order to provide constant care for my father. My savings were depleting, and my marriage was in shambles. The stress was extreme and some days, I felt anxious and alone.
My daughter started acting out more. She would throw the most terrible tantrums, which lasted hours because she was at the age where she required plenty of attention – and I wasn’t able to give her that.
A constant balancing act
On most days, I was so caught up in my duties as a caregiver to my father and daughter, and putting everyone else’s needs above my own. I was always trying to balance everyone’s needs – rushing from school drop-off, to taking my father for medical appointments, trying to fit in work at the waiting room of the hospital – the to-do list was never ending! I barely had any time to myself, but I soon realised that there’s only so much I can do. I knew that if things continued this way, I’d suffer from caregiver burnout.
The last of the sandwich generation
I grew up watching my parents drive for hours every weekend take care of their own aging parents back in their hometown – they were from the sandwich generation too. It certainly is draining – not only in the financial sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I wanted to break that cycle, to ensure that my daughter would’t have to go through what her grandparents and I did.
I began researching for an insurance plan with sufficient coverage to protect myself and my family from financial worry, if an unforeseen situation were to arise. If something were to happen to me, this would also ensure that my daughter could still receive financial support.
However, no amount of planning can ensure a perfect future. If you find yourself spread thin from being the caregiver as part of the sandwich generation of your own families, the stress can be severe. You may feel lonely, even with many people wanting your attention. You may even feel like giving up – but you know you can’t, because they’re all depending on you.
Here are some practical tips that helped me, and I hope they’ll do the same for you:
1. Ask for help, and accept help
Asking for assistance is not a sign of weakness, so don’t hesitate to ask for help. I’m lucky to have the support of mummy friends, whom I could always ask for help with school pick-ups and babysitting whenever hospital appointments overran.
Family and friends would offer to spend time with my father – sitting with him for a chat, taking him out to the mall for a change of scenery, or bringing him food. Initially I’d feel guilty about this, but later on, I realised they were doing it because they really wanted to help out too.
As my father’s condition deteriorated, I reached out for professional help, as it was getting difficult for me to manage his growing needs and decreasing mobility. A professional caregiver would come to the house for several hours in the evening to perform nursing procedures, assist with his hygiene, as well as to monitor his condition.
2. Breathe
Some days were just too overwhelming, what with my father, my daughter and my boss all needing my attention. It may sound like common sense, but it helps to take a step back, take a few deep breaths and re-evaluate the situation. I promise it will help you make a calmer decision, rather than to just lash out.
3. Recharge
Try to carve out some time for self-care. Even a 30-minute walk, or a quick haircut can help you feel mentally and emotionally recharged. This helped me strike a balance between caring for myself and caring for others.
4. Don’t wallow in guilt
You will never be able to please everyone. A caregiver in the sandwich generation wears many hats – mother, spouse, caregiver, daughter, employee. Don’t feel guilty for not being able to perform all these roles at 100% capacity. You’re trying your best and that is enough.
5. Include your kids
Though my daughter was only in kindergarten when my father was diagnosed, I assigned her age-appropriate tasks to care for her grandfather. She would help him walk around the garden for his daily exercise, fill his water bottle, and get him snacks, amongst other tasks. It’s never too early to involve children and helping grandpa made her feel needed and respected.
6. One-on-one time
Despite being busy with caregiving duties, I made sure to set aside time to focus on my daughter weekly. Just mummy and daughter time, where we just hung out, played and had fun. I wanted to try to keep her playful childhood intact and not be all about her fading grandfather.
If you are currently part of the sandwich generation yourselves, or know of someone who may need some help, here are some services that could make life just a little bit easier:
1. Caregiving Services
Kiddocare Malaysia is an on-demand, online platform that connects parents to trained and vetted babysitters at your preferred time and location. This service could provide a quick solution when you need someone to watch your children while you take your ailing parent for a medical appointment.
Caregiver Malaysia is a health and caregiving service. The platform gives careseekers access to home-care services provided by freelance caregivers and medical healthcare professionals. Some of the home-care services available include home physiotherapy, home nursing, palliative care and medical escorts (trained personnel who can provide door-to-door services for medical appointments).
Hospis Malaysia aims to enhance the quality of life of those with life-limiting illnesses by providing professional palliative care services and facilities for free. Towards the end stage of my father’s life, they made daily home visits, and tried to make my father’s last few weeks as comfortable as possible – a fact I will always be grateful for.
2. Specialised Meal Delivery Services
Homey delivers medically tailored meals to meet the specific nutritional needs of patients with medical conditions. These services were extremely helpful during my father’s post-surgery recovery period, as I barely had the time and energy to cook for my daughter, let alone a separate diet-specific meal for my father.
Caring for an elderly parent while raising kids and doing life can be draining, emotional and stressful. There are days when you will feel defeated, but it is possible learn how to handle the situation to regain some semblance of order and peace in your lives.
Wishing you well, mamas – please stay strong, and know that you’re not alone on this journey.
