Have you read the story about the mum who used her son’s spilled milk as a teaching opportunity by playing in the milk puddle together, before cleaning it up with a lesson on holding a cup up the right way? In real life, the odds of being able to administer those same philosophies in our parenting methods would probably seem as foreign as French parenting did to Pamela Druckerman and the rest of us “normal” mums.
And if I ever played in spilled milk with my own son, what he would remember most probably wouldn’t be my explanation of the concept of waste but us splashing about in a milk puddle and cleaning up after that. Which wouldn’t sound so bad for a 2-year old. Did he have fun? Yes! And what does Psychology 101 tell us about positive reinforcement? That he’ll do it again!
While it’s one thing to use accidents as lessons, it’s an entirely different thing when the kids start misbehaving on purpose – those legendary terrible twos. How can I best teach my children right from wrong when he’s not just learning to push his boundaries but also mine; is practicing selective listening when we’re running late and I tell him to “come take a shower” or while I’m chasing him around to “put his diaper on”? At the age when he’s discovering his emotions, has yet to learn to control them and expresses frustrations by shouting, grabbing, pushing or kicking, I’m finding it really hard to keep my cool when he’s driving me up the wall.
In those early days, I struggled to keep up with his pace and felt confused every time I lost my temper; unaccustomed to this 3-foot tyrant who was a sweet, obedient boy just a few months ago. I reached out and the Tribe and Dr Google introduced me to some gentle parenting strategies I have started practicing.
Here are some principles I’m trying to live by:
Understanding how they learn
If you want to raise curious and creative children, you’ll get curious and creative children. While this may be rewarding in their later years, it may be difficult for parents to contain and manage while they are toddlers.
Provide limitations and remember that as a parent, you’re in charge. Accept that they learn through mistakes and messes, and understand that the most common cause of “misbehaviour” is boredom. If you find your 2-year old playing with water from the kitchen tap, know that he’s learning and removing him will lead to a tantrum. Instead, provide structure for him to be able to express his interests in a safer space.
Be empathetic and discipline with respect
Get down to their level, look them in the eye and just talk to them. This shows that you acknowledge their feelings and that you understand. And instead of saying “Don’t hit your sister”, try Suchada Eickemeyer’s suggestion of saying “I Won’t Let You…”. Eickemeyer explains how this lets you own what you tell your children, makes you think about why you’re creating a boundary, cultivates confidence and builds trust. More importantly, it reflects that you respect your child enough to hear them out and reason with them.
Set limits and be consistent
It will take a lot of patience but challenge yourself by refraining from saying the word ‘No’. You’ll find creative ways of setting the boundaries and discover how much faster your child will understand them. When all else fails, use diversion as a final tactic before resolving to use the negative. Consistency is key and make sure all caretakers are aware of the rules.
Use time-outs
Tried and tested, this provides the opportunity for your child to cool off from a stressful situation and provide space to get back in control. This may work well into adulthood if administered effectively.
Using positive and negative reinforcement
While it was normal to be smacked when we misbehaved growing up, we’re trying as much as we can to discipline gently and are slowly discovering the appeal of setting limits without using punishments. But if you decide to use a reward and punishment system, be guided by fairness. Use punishments that fit the crime and rewards proportionate to good behaviour that are administered quickly so children can connect their actions to the related consequence. Waiting too long may risk the lesson being missed.
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While I envisioned myself as a parent who was patient and kind, one who spoke gently and not shout when my children misbehaved, it has become increasingly more testing as my children grew older. But as much as they are learning to navigate the do’s and don’ts of their world, having them in my life has also led to a path of self-discovery by learning of my own set of do’s and don’ts that comes with the challenges of parenting.
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Khairun is a mum to two kids and owner of Recovr Resources Sdn Bhd, a growing social enterprise in the recycling and equal employment industry. She and her family are currently living in Jakarta.
